CLASSIC: Stories from lads holidays.

In ibiza in the summer was about 4 in the morning, me and 2 others were looking for stragglers as a last resort to take back to the hotel.
For some reason we ended up down by Mambos on the beach, to wear 2 black africans came out, asking for sex. Too of which my mate was umming and areing about for a good 10 mins, they were also subject to some abuse. As you do.
So my mate decided to have a bj, so off they walked to the beach front. We followed off course. He paid her the $15 eurors or so. We thought it would be a good laugh to film it and watch. Though we she didnt approve so we lobbed her 20 euros, and said right, were watching. Down his trousers went, to hurls of laughter. on the johnny went, she ripped it open with her teeth and spat the wraper out. Which was subject to more laughter. He couldnt get a hard on, he was that brewed. So she pulled her top down, and said "feel my teets", you just imagine it, with that distinctive african accent.
We were pi$$ing ourselves even more. crying with laughter. She was so angry, really fcuked off, She then picked a rock up and lobbed it towards us, just missing my mates head.
She then stopped and walked off, and do you know those showers on the beach that you push the button to start, she hit that put her mouth under and had a swig, and spat it out. dirty fcuker. My mate still lying on the sun lounger with his jimmy out not having a clue what was going on. The prossie ran off down this alley, and that was the end of that. We ventured back to the hotel, a mere 2 hours later. Though we did find some rough birds by our room that we invited in for some fun and games.
It may not sound funny, but one of those where you had to be there at the time to watch it.

WHy is everyone's story about "their mate"???

I am The Resurrection said:

Been planning a lads holiday with some mates today, I aint been on one for ages, and we got talking and exchanging stories from the various ones we had all been on, got me thinking that there must be some crackers from you lot on here. Post them here.

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I wet the bed after a ridiculous night of drinking

one year in majorca 10 of us bought a ball and played 5 aside on the beach. was fuckin crazy stuff.

In Benidorm years ago, a mate had a barney with his bird and threatened to throw himself off the balcony. Climbed on the railings and everything. Had to be talked down by a few other lads. Not that I was concerned with all this, I was in the bar drinking lighter-fluid cocktails!

Was in Faliraki early nineties with my mate,we roomed next to two lads from Derbyshire and on our pub crawl with the reps we all ended up dancing,chatting fingering and then eventually shagging this one tasty bird from Newcastle.
Thing is, she was on holiday with her Husband, they had split up before they went away and were using the holiday to try and patch things up.
Felt a little bit sorry for this bloke stood watching as his wife was getting mauled but never mind hey.

A non- bird related story ;

Big lads holiday in Corfu about 12 years ago and we took the traditional "ghetto blaster" across for poolside tunes . And it was one of those stereos with a built in microphone so if you pressed play and record you could tape what was going on in the room

Anyhow , the husband and wife who owned the apts were constantly coming into our apt and bollocking us for various things , noise , mess , general shenanigans etc

When the wife came in having one of her typical rants in Greek at the top of her voice , I recorded it on the stereo

So , next day when the woman had gone out , the old fella came in ranting and raving and we put the stereo in the wardrobe and pressed play and two of us rocked the wardrobe back and forth as if she was inside and shouting to get out

The guy went absolutely fookin nuts at us and started throwing crap punches at the lads who were now just rolling round the floor

The upshot was they called the travel rep who couldnt keep her face straight when we explained and they said we were on last warning , but couldnt throw us out as it was the funniest complaint she had had all summer.

Those were the days....

'fell off' the cruise ship in the middle of the med. no word of a lie.

this thread is comedy gold.

Tenerife years ago and the missus and I came back to the hotel after a day by the pool and there's these two Geordie lads who had been on our flight sitting in the lobby. One has his head bandaged, his tee shirt is covered in blood and black dirt and he's got scrapes and cuts all over him. He looked like he'd stepped on a landmine. I asked his mate what happened and he goes, "The daft bugger walked oot in front of a taxi, man. Smacked him reet oop in the air. Hit his head on the way doon, an'arl." I looked at the victim, who seriously looked like he had gone into shock, his hands were shaking so much he could barely hold the cigarette he was puffing and his eyes were glazed. I said shouldn't they be getting him to a hospital? His mate came back with, "nah, divven't fuss, he's arl reet. We're jist waiting for the rep to come by and tak a report and then we're arl off oot for some bevvies and a shag, like". I always wondered if the blood-covered one pulled that night and what his chat-up line might have been.

Whotookmyname? said:

Went to tenerife about 6 years ago, the mate I am sharing with cops off with this scottish bird. Anyway I arrive back to the apartment after he has done the job, and the bird is just leaving.
The next morning I get up for a piss and see this white panties on the floor...............with a skid mark on it that schumacher would have been proud of. Dirty bitch.

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I lived in magaluf 05-06 there was an island where people used to go to on pedleoes it was too far to swim however easy to pedle there we pedled over there 1 day to find 2 people shaggin. There was only 2 pedleoes there 1 was ours and 1 was the couples. To cut a long story short we took there pedleo went back to the beach and left them stranded there. When we got back we gave the stolen 1 to a couple of sweedish birds tellin them it had 30mins left on it.

never did find out if they took it to the island to save the stranded couple or not

years ago was in Hong Kong (when it was still British) and on a night out with mates in the Wanchai district. All the clubs are full of Phillipino girls.

As usual have to get well pissed before making improper suggestions but managed to persuade one to let me give a her good spanking.

Mate progresses further and tries a bit of muff diving in one of the seating booths with one of the aformentioned Phillipino's. After about a minute, he sticks his head over the top with a fully loaded jam rag in his teeth. He proceeded to chew on it leading to one poor soul emptyting her guts on the floor. Needless to say, was asked to leave the club.

Good night out though despite being arrested by the Hong Kong Police - tip don't try to wrestle their guns off them as a batten on the head did smart a bit!

craigEEE said:

I lived in magaluf 05-06 there was an island where people used to go to on pedleoes it was too far to swim however easy to pedle there we pedled over there 1 day to find 2 people shaggin. There was only 2 pedleoes there 1 was ours and 1 was the couples. To cut a long story short we took there pedleo went back to the beach and left them stranded there. When we got back we gave the stolen 1 to a couple of sweedish birds tellin them it had 30mins left on it.

never did find out if they took it to the island to save the stranded couple or not

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ha ha i remember going on those things and the first thing the african guy said to us was dont go to the island, needless to say we went sat there for 5 then decided to head back, took us a good 3hours we were all so fucked well thats it really, african man went mad!

best thread ever

non funny one:-

Went to Alcudia in Majorca years ago when I was just 16 with about 8 mates, to cut a long story short we were drinking with 2 lads from Glasgow before we hit the 1 of the 2 clubs in the town, a few of us went on to the club while others stayed at the bar. Turns out one of the lads from Glasgow stabs a coach driver after he nearly knocked him down. My mates is telling me this just at the point the music cuts off in the club, around 40 police had swarmed the club and were making a bee line towards us, 3 of us were thrown off our seats and were cuffed with guns pressing against our tembles and carried out the club (2nd night there) we were arrested for attempted fucking murder. Eventually released once someone told the police it was this Scotish lad and they checked our passports back at the hotel. Shit it big time

sardines and trawlers said:

So , next day when the woman had gone out , the old fella came in ranting and raving and we put the stereo in the wardrobe and pressed play and two of us rocked the wardrobe back and forth as if she was inside and shouting to get out

The guy went absolutely fookin nuts at us and started throwing crap punches at the lads who were now just rolling round the floor

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Funniest one on here. Proper made me laugh out loud!!

Was in Albuifera, Portugal about 18 months ago. Just finished watching United Crystal Palace match in a bar, in there watching the game with mostly locals and how welcoming and genuinely easy to get along with. Sadly the same cannot be said for the burberry boys (west ham lads) in the corner. Anyway they obviously know that we (me and a mate) are reds as we've been watching the footy. we both leave at around the same time, anyway these group of about 5-6 tossers are walking out this little sports bar singing that woeful 'we won the fackin world cup'. me and me chum both turn around and laugh, next thing you know two of these scumbags run over to me and put a bottle they have from the round my face,blood streaming from above my right eye. My mate who is a first grade shit bag go back inside so I can get cleaned up etc. Anyway the English bloke that owned the gaf enquired as to what happened, told him etc, then he and and about 3-4 portugese from inside this bar go after these lads and give them a hiding. Excellent looking back. Not really a funny story, but quite a vivid memory anyway.

talking of blood. pulled a bird in berlins one night back when I was a student and went back to her flat in those halls on oxford road up by the uni - locks and all that, can't remember what they're called.
she is game as fuck for starters but then when I start trying to get my hand in the groove so to speak, she gets all coy. keep going for it, copping for her and all that, and eventually she buckles and starts ramming my fingers up her flange. going fucking berserk by now and I'm all set to lob one up her, reach for my cock and see my hands are covered in blood. hey ho, here now I think, so go for it anyway... fuck a bit then pass out and memory wipe.
woken up by her on the phone to her mum in the morning asking about her maths homework. she's starkers talking to her mum and her body is covered in dried blood and the sheet is literally covered in blood. I can't remember fuck all so am convinced I've fucking raped her or something. she gets off the phone, looks at me, then fucks off for a shower. I legged it.
was convinced I was going to get my collar felt for that for years....

Bttt

sardines and trawlers said:

A non- bird related story ;

Big lads holiday in Corfu about 12 years ago and we took the traditional "ghetto blaster" across for poolside tunes . And it was one of those stereos with a built in microphone so if you pressed play and record you could tape what was going on in the room

Anyhow , the husband and wife who owned the apts were constantly coming into our apt and bollocking us for various things , noise , mess , general shenanigans etc

When the wife came in having one of her typical rants in Greek at the top of her voice , I recorded it on the stereo

So , next day when the woman had gone out , the old fella came in ranting and raving and we put the stereo in the wardrobe and pressed play and two of us rocked the wardrobe back and forth as if she was inside and shouting to get out

The guy went absolutely fookin nuts at us and started throwing crap punches at the lads who were now just rolling round the floor

The upshot was they called the travel rep who couldnt keep her face straight when we explained and they said we were on last warning , but couldnt throw us out as it was the funniest complaint she had had all summer.

Those were the days....

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The best of a brilliant bunch!

Best post EVER !!!

mufc1976 said:

Best post EVER !!!

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Heehee , cheers for that

BTTT as this stories are cracking , brings a tear to the eye.

We got to keep this going - some of these on here are priceless. Keep em coming lads.

BTTT

Bored at work and need some more self indulgent lads' holiday stories to amuse me ever...

My mate went to Kos with his bird and another couple. About two nights into the holiday they went out, drinks were flowing, suffice to say they got in a mess.
Arriving back the two lads go out on the balcony for a game of cards, it's a bit dark so they get the candles out for a bit of extra light.
My mate goes and gets a bottle of Aftershock and the pair of them sit there drinking shots and playing brag.
Both end up so wrecked they fall asleep at the table but as my mate begins to loll he inadvertently knocks over a glass of Aftershock on to the candle and it goes up like Piper Alpha, setting his face on fire.
The other lad wakes up to find my pal literally ablaze and dragged him into the shower to douse out the flames.
He was due to stay for a fortnight but his face was burnt so badly he came home after three days looking like Simon Weston.
Thankfully his face healed fine and he thought he had no scars - until he stood under a ultraviolet light in Venus about a year later and his nose chin and cheeks were covered in white patches.
He had a face like a plasterer's radio!

About 10 years ago 4 of us went to Laganas on Zante and we arrived at our apartment at midnight. We dumped the bags and headed straight out on the piss. One lad Ray went missing after a couple of hours but we just thought he'd got lost or copped off. When the rest of us got back to the flat about 4am he was passed out on a bed and the bed and floor were covered in blood, looked like a ritual sacrifice had taken place. He'd lost us and took a taxi back to the flat and being a bit the worse for wear had tried paying the 500 drachma fare with a 50 note, When the driver complained Ray said he was trying to rip him off, that he'd given him the right money and told him to fuck off and wobbled off toward the front door. The driver gets out of the cab, gets a bullwhip from under the front seat and leathers Ray with it. His back was in fucking shreads. For the rest of the holiday he answered to the name "Kertchhhherrr" ( best I can do to spell the sound of a whip cracking)

This is a badge of honour thread for some

I have never been on a lads holiday.

I suppose i'm not really a lad.

What island is oxford road?

Keep it coming. Some very funny.

Simon.

Tenerife 1994 pulled a bird at busbys nightclub on the Veronica's take her back to mine blitzed the both of us. Both of us are out on the balcony when she says to me could she have a beer. I rush back into the appartment to get a couple of beers thinking that the sliding door is still open and i ran right through the class. Spent 2 days in hospital cut to bits, funny as fuck now when i think about it.

Some crackers on here. Better post one of my own, the names have been changed to protect the guilty.

A few years ago 8 of us decided ona last minute week in Tenerife, we were all early 20's and enjoying the single life. Before we departed we decided on the usual points based competition etc and as it was my mates birthday whislt we were there to have a special one off comp on the night of his birthday. So off we went, trophies and medals bought to be presented to the winners.

On the 5th night there it was my mates birthday, and the comp to pull the fittest bird as agreed by the group would begin. Anyhow somewhere during a very pissed up afternoon this changed into 'ugly bird night', I was gutted, having spent the last 2 nights 'grooming' this stunner in preperation for the eve. In Veronica's and there is not an ugly bird in sight, we are all stood around thinkin we may well get away with this, as even the ugliest wasnt that bad. When out of the blue one of the lads said you aint gonna beieve this, I have found a table of 8 complete munters! When we set eyes on them they actually occupied about 7 tables, it was like a hippo's convention. Me and my mate (Andy) went straight for the fattest of the bunch, without a word of a lie she was that big that when we had her on the dance floor in the middle of me and Andy that we couldnt touch hands when we tried to put them around her. Out of nowhere Andy's brother grabs her hand saying 'your with me sexy' and disappears out of the club. Now this was a nailed on winner and in a strange way we all a bit gutted........ Until he returned!!

He walked in the club an hour or so later, looking like a coal miner, all you could see were his eyes,( he had obviously been on the beach with the volcanic black sand for those of you who have never been ) but he didnt look very happy. He had taken her down to the beach to shag her, on the way he said all these guys were pointing and laughing at them and all he could say in return through his own laughter was 'its ugly bird night'!! They got on the beach and she got on top of him riding him like fuck, when he shot his load he let out a loud yessssss Ive won!! In a flash ( he says ) she jumped up flipped him over and sat back down on him, produced a bottle of aftersun from her bag and proceeded ram 2!! fingers up his arse, shouting who's your daddy whilst she did , until he begged her to stop and said sorry!! , it transpired that the hippo's were having a comp of their own! Oh and she nicked his wallet.

He has been known as Arthur ( Scargill ) ever since much to the bemusement of everyone who knows us, we all promised never to tell anyone we knew. And he is the proud owner of the ugly bird medallion.

Magaluf.

We were out drinking all day by the pool at these girls from swedens hotel.

After about the 10th beer my mate decides he wants to go for a swim and with the swedish birds still around he wants to do his best to impress so he leaps into the air and dives head first straight in.

Unfortunately he failed to notice that he was diving into about 3 feet of water and ended up with a massive gash on his head. Still trying to impress the girls and with his eyes rolling around in his head he claimed it 'was nothing - just a nick' - with gallons of blood discolouring the pool. and off he went for stitches.

simpatico said:

My mate went to Kos with his bird and another couple. About two nights into the holiday they went out, drinks were flowing, suffice to say they got in a mess.
Arriving back the two lads go out on the balcony for a game of cards

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fucking twatto, the story took a wrong turn which I don't like.

I was expecting to read when the lads make their way back to the room, they find their birds well into it and laugh for a bit and then decide to join in for a foursome and hopefully it ends with some funny shite like your mate trying to bum his mate in his drunken stupor.

I am The Resurrection said:

In a flash ( he says ) she jumped up flipped him over and sat back down on him, produced a bottle of aftersun from her bag and proceeded ram 2!! fingers up his arse, shouting who's your daddy whilst she did , until he begged her to stop and said sorry!! , it transpired that the hippo's were having a comp of their own! Oh and she nicked his wallet.

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fucking priceless.

BTTT - will inspire people to get their summer jollies booked....

My mate Mark and I were getting drunk at a bar in the hotel we were staying at. About a dozen large women walked in and started moving tables and chairs around a small dance floor for karaoke. As the ladies took turns doing karaoke, Mark and I lost a bet to a couple ya hoo's we were bullshitting with at the bar. The losers had to sing a song chosen by the winners. Mark chickened out and wouldn't do it, when one of the large gals pulls me off my bar stool and says, "I'll sing with you". So we get up to the karaoke machine and proceed to sing some rap song called "I like big butts" which seemed to fit the situation I was in. I was so drunk I couldn't keep up so I started taking off my clothes while my new singing partner belted out the tunes. I did the full monty and the women went nuts. I would go to each table and the women would take turns pinching and smacking my ass. When the song ended I looked around and the place was packed. Mark was bent over laughing his ass off and I realized what I just did. I just wanted to get out of there so I quickly put my clothes on, slammed the rest of my drink, grabbed mark and went to his room just a few doors down from the bar. I had my ex with me but she was in our room the whole time. So Mark's taking a piss when the largest of all the women at karaoke walks in to the room, she's about 6' tall and 300 lbs. Scared the hell out of me. So being the nice guy I am I offer her a beer. She sits on the edge of the bed with her beer and Mark comes out of the can and I go in to piss. The next thing I hear is the ex yelling where the hell I am. She kicks the bathroom door in knocking me into tub while I'm still pissing. Calls me an asshole for staying out so late while I'm on my back in the tub pissing all over myself. Walks by Mark tells him to fuck himself and leaves. Now for the best part. I get up, clean myself off thinking I got a world of ass kissing to do. I come out of the bathroom to find Mark laying on the bed sucking face with our 300 lb guest. I sit on the bed beside them laughing. Mark's not a big guy, about 5' 7" and 150 lbs soaking wet. He's all over her and starts taking her clothes off. Gets her top off and asks me to take her pants off. I'm laughing so hard I hit the floor. So being the nice guy I am I get up and start pulling her pants off while Mark gets undressed. He's already sporting a boner and climbs on top to mount her. She has her knee's at the end of the bed and feet on the floor. Mark trying to do the business but can't get any traction on the rug because he's got his socks on. So being the nice guy that I am I stand behind him so he can push against my feet. Then he asks me to hold her legs up, I've helped him this far so I say what the hell. I'm still laughing my ass off until the door opens and the ex walks in with Mark screwing a football and me holding her legs in the air!

I posted this one the old classic "best slapper stories" thread that so sadly was taken away from us.

Anyway, back in 2001 me and the lads went on our usual end of season piss up, this year we decided to hit Kavos.

One particular night sticks in my mind and still makes me chuckle.

We'd been drinking most of the day round the pool and me being the group lightweight I was punching well above my weight trying to keep up with these seasoned drinkers.

It then got to around 10pm and the lads decided they were going to hit some of the bars, I was out of it though and decided that after 8 consecutive days of going on the lash I was going to have an early night.

So I crashed out on my bed whilst the others all hit the town.

I then remember waking up a few hours later gasping for a drink. It was one of those moments where your eyes are open but you are still not registering what is going on around you.

After a while I had worked out what was going on. One of my mates was on the bed next to me with his face buried in some bird’s minge. At first I thought about just going back to sleep but then for some unknown reason I decided to turn round on the bed so my head was at the other end and I could get a good look.

As I was doing this, my mate clocked me and gave it a sly little smile. A few moments later he bent her over the bed and proceeded to pound the fuck out of her. In all honesty this made me feel slightly awarkward especially as she was shouting "fuck my pussy" "I want your cum inside me" so I decided to get up and go for a dump.

There was only one way I could get to the toilet and that was by walking past my mate hanging out the back of this bird. As I was walking past for some unknown reason me and mate "high fived" whilst he was mid action.

I staggered to the toilet and proceeded shit my guts out to the sound of my mate and some bird fucking.

After a few minutes and a decrease in the noise level it sounded like they had finished. So I left it a few and walked back in to see my mate wiping his cock on our other mates Spurs shorts and this half decent bird lying in bed with the covers pulled over her.

I've just kind of mumbled, said hello and got back in bed whilst my mate went, and I quote "I'm just off for a shit" So there I was lying in my bed with some random bird in the bed next to me who I had just seen my mate smashing the back out of.

The silence was very uncomfortable, all we could hear was my mate shitting in the toilet. So I just came out and asked her where she was from, as she replied "Brighton" she moved and let out what can only be described as a squelchy "fanny fart"

I can not explain how difficult the next few minutes were waiting for my mate to come back. Me and this bird just lying there in complete silence with me trying not to piss myself.

My mate is now married and has two kids so unfortunately that was his last lad’s holiday.

I've heared so much about the infamous slapper thread, but why was it taken down?

On holidays in Benidorm with a couple of mates years ago, two of which were brothers and sisters. To cut a long story short, we're all drinking like it's going out of style and come 4 am they're both passed out. Like the true friends we are the rest of us boys and girls proceed to carry the two of them to bed, undress them completely and place them in an oh so romantic post-sex spooning position with a roughed up condom right next to them. Que horrendous, window breaking, high pitched screams from the both of them a couple of hours later Not to mention their faces when they come out to find the rest of us pissing ourselves with laughter! They still hold a grudge for this some 10 years later, but it was well worth it

went to ayia napa about four years ago with six lads - for one of them it was a holiday to remember, for one of the others it was a horrorshow.
We'd got seperated on a night out coz me being the mug I am took my wasted mate back to bed. But two of the other lads, who will remain nameless, ended up going to a 'strip' club
each of them were taken into seperate rooms to get down and dirty with, what I'm told, were the fittest eastern european birds ever.
it all gets a bit messy at paying time though. one of them only has £15 quid on him so he coughs that up - but the other one didn't have any cash so was forced to pay on his card - £200..............and he was the one who didn't even cum and ended up with a massive bruise on his cock.

hoot said:

I've heared so much about the infamous slapper thread, but why was it taken down?

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I started it! Bumped into one of the old moderators on here in the Urmy! Apparently it was getting too much attention!