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h6o59
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So when the woman came round to complain, she was saying things like "Help!" and "Let me out"?!
So when the woman came round to complain, she was saying things like "Help!" and "Let me out"?!
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zuc82
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This is by far the best thread on here, i'm sure there are lots more horror stories!!
E=MC Hammer
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Lynne you're laughing at weather!
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mart99
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He had a face like a plasterer's radio!
fucking hell nearly fell off my chair at that,
fucking hell nearly fell off my chair at that,
Oscardog68
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Left Jab, Funny as fook mate, just laughted out loud in the middle of the office and let me tell you, they dont like you laughing at shell !.
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GlosRed
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So there we were, camping again. All my dirtbag friends and my girlfriend. (Now ex-wife, but that is an entirely different story. Rest assured she was a bitch, which is why I'm now telling this story). We were all drinking like bastards, and almost everyone had staggered off to their tents to pass out. Once inside the tent, me and the old lady were getting it on pretty good until I felt the old familiar stomach twisting mouth watering feeling come over me. I said "Time out hon, I gotta go barf." I made it just far enough to stick my head outside the tent and hurl my guts into the wind. beer, cheap whiskey, and hot dags made a swift and violent exit through both my mouth and nose as my body heaved like a cat coughing up a hairball. Having finished that little exploration into the world of antiperistalis, I pulled my head back inside the tent, wiped my mouth, and said "Now OK, where were we." The funny part is she let me finish. Sick eh?
sardines and trawlers
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So when the woman came round to complain, she was saying things like "Help!" and "Let me out"?!
Yes , obviously....... we could all translate perfectly as we all speak perfect Greek
Clealrly she wasn't ever in the wardrobe but as a fairly above average lads holiday prank it is still a good story
The point is the sheer confusion and annoyance of the husband not what she was sayying , jayzus...............
Ibiza, few years back, I wasn't on it buit got the full report back.
One of the lads went on a bit of a mad sesh, as you do when you're over there, met a load of randoms and went on a two day bender, no sleep or anything.
Anyway he got back to the hotel room and he was gasping for a drink of water, but while he was out one of the lads emptied the water out of his water bottle and replaced it with straight vodka, so me mate, gagging for a drink after smashin it up for two days solid on the ale and other assorted enhancements, sweating like fuck and shaking like a shitting dag, started gulping this drink down, must have got about 3 massive gulps in before realising what he was necking, stopped called the lads 'fucking cunts' and other assorted expletives before ralphing his guts up for about 10 minutes.
One of the lads went on a bit of a mad sesh, as you do when you're over there, met a load of randoms and went on a two day bender, no sleep or anything.
Anyway he got back to the hotel room and he was gasping for a drink of water, but while he was out one of the lads emptied the water out of his water bottle and replaced it with straight vodka, so me mate, gagging for a drink after smashin it up for two days solid on the ale and other assorted enhancements, sweating like fuck and shaking like a shitting dag, started gulping this drink down, must have got about 3 massive gulps in before realising what he was necking, stopped called the lads 'fucking cunts' and other assorted expletives before ralphing his guts up for about 10 minutes.
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Old No.7
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Face like a plasterer's radio......
Class thread, funny as fook!
Class thread, funny as fook!
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nick260599
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wibble
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I am The Resurrection
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1. NSFW for fucks sake!!
2. How to spoil a perfectly good thread in one easy go.
D.I. Sexton O'Farrell
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Gran Canaria many years ago and we meet up with a couple of Cockernee Bank robbers on the run (or so they said) proceed to get well and truly leathered with them and they both pass out. Now one of them has got this Finnish bird who isn't too impressed when she comes and asks where Dwayne is so my mate Scotty says 'But it's alright he says you can fuck me tonight'.
Also on the holiday is Fat Keith whose holiday consisted of eating as much as he could stuff into his fat face between going on tit patrol on the beach he was also armed with a pair of binoculars for any apartment unressing action he could find. Now this blokes as tight as a gnats arse especially when it comes to sharing his food.
So theres 5 of us in a two bedroomed apartment and Scotty is kipping in the living room / kitchen diner. He comes back with the Finnish bird and starts to get friendly with her at which point Keith gets up and proceeds to make one of his many Midnight feasts whilst copping an eyeful of Scotty in action at the same time.
Keith then decides to offer Scotty a bite of his sandwich at around the time that the Finn is screaming 'Wrong Hole Wrong Hole' with Scotty murmering 'No right hole right hole' which was then quickly followed by the immortal line 'Not now Keith can't you see I'm a little busy at the moment buggering this Finn'
Also on the holiday is Fat Keith whose holiday consisted of eating as much as he could stuff into his fat face between going on tit patrol on the beach he was also armed with a pair of binoculars for any apartment unressing action he could find. Now this blokes as tight as a gnats arse especially when it comes to sharing his food.
So theres 5 of us in a two bedroomed apartment and Scotty is kipping in the living room / kitchen diner. He comes back with the Finnish bird and starts to get friendly with her at which point Keith gets up and proceeds to make one of his many Midnight feasts whilst copping an eyeful of Scotty in action at the same time.
Keith then decides to offer Scotty a bite of his sandwich at around the time that the Finn is screaming 'Wrong Hole Wrong Hole' with Scotty murmering 'No right hole right hole' which was then quickly followed by the immortal line 'Not now Keith can't you see I'm a little busy at the moment buggering this Finn'
Shit Wasp!
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There was one other incident which unfortunately is non-slapper related.
It was on the same holiday in Kavos and we had hired mopeds, we were pissing about on them outside our hotel and a few of us were trying to do wheelies.
We were holding the brake whilst pulling back the throttle and then letting go of the break. A few of us managed to get the front wheel off the ground but that was about it.
Then one of the other lads who was with us decided to sit right at the back of his seat, pull the throttle back as far as it would go and then let go of the break.
The front of the bike flipped up and the back lights/number plate smashed off and went flying, my mate was now on his feet behind a moped that was in full wheelie mode. The problem was that he didn't or couldn't take his hands off the handle bars which meant that he still had the throttle open and the bike was still moving.
This must have lasted all of 10 seconds but my mate was running round behind this wheeled moped in the middle of the main street whilst the back scrapped on the ground and bits of his bike/lights/indicators/number plate were scattered all over the road. He then proceeded to slam into the side of a packed 18-30's coach that was bringing back loads of pissed people from some kind of day trip.
Needless to say the whole coach were giving him the wanker sign as he laid on the floor next to the coach, his mangled moped was next to him with the engine running and the back wheel still spinning.
We were doubled up in pain from laughing so much whilst the psycho Greek coach driver was in his face ranting about the damage he had done to his coach.
Luckily for him the police were not called, or at least they never turned up. Someone had called the moped hire shop man and he came down to sort everything out. All I remember was he kept asking my mate "How you do this?" "You fucked my bike" and believe me he had really fucked up the bike.
Ended up costing him £500 for the excess on his insurance policy and a few cuts and bruises but in my opinion it was worth every penny for the laugh's we still get out of it.
It was on the same holiday in Kavos and we had hired mopeds, we were pissing about on them outside our hotel and a few of us were trying to do wheelies.
We were holding the brake whilst pulling back the throttle and then letting go of the break. A few of us managed to get the front wheel off the ground but that was about it.
Then one of the other lads who was with us decided to sit right at the back of his seat, pull the throttle back as far as it would go and then let go of the break.
The front of the bike flipped up and the back lights/number plate smashed off and went flying, my mate was now on his feet behind a moped that was in full wheelie mode. The problem was that he didn't or couldn't take his hands off the handle bars which meant that he still had the throttle open and the bike was still moving.
This must have lasted all of 10 seconds but my mate was running round behind this wheeled moped in the middle of the main street whilst the back scrapped on the ground and bits of his bike/lights/indicators/number plate were scattered all over the road. He then proceeded to slam into the side of a packed 18-30's coach that was bringing back loads of pissed people from some kind of day trip.
Needless to say the whole coach were giving him the wanker sign as he laid on the floor next to the coach, his mangled moped was next to him with the engine running and the back wheel still spinning.
We were doubled up in pain from laughing so much whilst the psycho Greek coach driver was in his face ranting about the damage he had done to his coach.
Luckily for him the police were not called, or at least they never turned up. Someone had called the moped hire shop man and he came down to sort everything out. All I remember was he kept asking my mate "How you do this?" "You fucked my bike" and believe me he had really fucked up the bike.
Ended up costing him £500 for the excess on his insurance policy and a few cuts and bruises but in my opinion it was worth every penny for the laugh's we still get out of it.
Tommytwoshoes
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I'll give this a go...
Went to Zante many years ago, about 12 of us in total. We had this thing going on at the time that we termed a wardrobe session. When one of the lads is on to a sure fire winner, whoever fancies it heads back to the digs and hides in various places around the room. So there's a couple of lads in the warddrobe, a few on the balcony (curtains slightly open) and one cleverly tucked in amongst a huge pile of filthy clothes and towels gethered in the corner.
In he comes with this bird and sure enough they're pissed and ripping at each others clobber straight away. Obviously he knows he's putting on a show for the lads so playing up like Ron Jeremy. She's at the end of the bed and he's on his knees on the floor giving it the big licks. At the same time he's throwing one off and clearly thinking it's going to help put on a lengthy and satisfying show for her. There's plenty of sniggering as he shudders and blows his load all over the bedsheet but she doesn't hear so we're okay.
Now he's ready to jump on board. He's no Ron Jeremy but in fairness to him, she's sounding like it may as well be him that's ripping her back out. She's a noisy fucker and all, barking instructions. He's going well and then she delivers the best instruction imagineable....."cum on my tits"....well the wardrobes shaking and the guy in the corner has stuffed a sock in his mouth to curb the hysteria. "What!" he says and she repeats her request saying she fucking loves it.
He's stuffed and withdraws pre vinegar. You could've knocked a 6" nail in with it and she's impressed. Then the inevitable and she's expecting to get splattered all over. Well there's not even enough to drop off the end and hysteria breaks out all over the room. It was funny as fuck and she's going absolutely mental. My last memory is of her trying to smack him in the mouth whilst putting her knickers back on. Absolutely hilarious.
Went to Zante many years ago, about 12 of us in total. We had this thing going on at the time that we termed a wardrobe session. When one of the lads is on to a sure fire winner, whoever fancies it heads back to the digs and hides in various places around the room. So there's a couple of lads in the warddrobe, a few on the balcony (curtains slightly open) and one cleverly tucked in amongst a huge pile of filthy clothes and towels gethered in the corner.
In he comes with this bird and sure enough they're pissed and ripping at each others clobber straight away. Obviously he knows he's putting on a show for the lads so playing up like Ron Jeremy. She's at the end of the bed and he's on his knees on the floor giving it the big licks. At the same time he's throwing one off and clearly thinking it's going to help put on a lengthy and satisfying show for her. There's plenty of sniggering as he shudders and blows his load all over the bedsheet but she doesn't hear so we're okay.
Now he's ready to jump on board. He's no Ron Jeremy but in fairness to him, she's sounding like it may as well be him that's ripping her back out. She's a noisy fucker and all, barking instructions. He's going well and then she delivers the best instruction imagineable....."cum on my tits"....well the wardrobes shaking and the guy in the corner has stuffed a sock in his mouth to curb the hysteria. "What!" he says and she repeats her request saying she fucking loves it.
He's stuffed and withdraws pre vinegar. You could've knocked a 6" nail in with it and she's impressed. Then the inevitable and she's expecting to get splattered all over. Well there's not even enough to drop off the end and hysteria breaks out all over the room. It was funny as fuck and she's going absolutely mental. My last memory is of her trying to smack him in the mouth whilst putting her knickers back on. Absolutely hilarious.
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wibble
Guest
1. NSFW for fucks sake!!
2. How to spoil a perfectly good thread in one easy go.
oh come on, the rest of this thread is hardly angelic. Now gizza hug?
went to blackpool on are end of season weekend away about 10 years ago and ended up in some club chatting to groud of birds from doncaster anyway mate took a shine to the girl whos birthday it was and was trying his best all night come the end of the night he still couldnt get her up for a dance so when the last dance come on he thought fuck it im having this he stands up with his arm out stretched and says its your birthday im not taking no for an answer so she gets up and comes from round the table and shes only got a big metal girdle all round her body and callipers on both legs she walked like the tin man from the wizard of oz it took her five minutes to get to the dance floor and the dj said on the mic think you might need a tin opener to get a shag there mate
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solarized
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I am The Resurrection
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Yeah your right, and there was me thinking I would get loads of clean stories
. No worries mate, fuckin awful pic though.
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I am The Resurrection
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Shaun Forever
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Bttt.
Red Tinted Specs
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I am in fucking tears of laughter here.
Bum Wank - that moped story - priceless !
Bum Wank - that moped story - priceless !
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domfh89
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Mint.Martin H 7
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BTTT
Quality thread
Quality thread
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mufc1976
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This thread has made my Monday morning - hilarious
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Ardon
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A friend of a friend was on holiday in Lanzarote and got lucky with this girl. Whilst shagging her he noticed that there was a fair bit of blood about and he thought 'she could have told she was on the dirty the bitch' and then the pain kicked in. He'd only gone and done his banjo string.
that happened to me in Houston almost exactly the same -looked like someone had their throat cut in my Hotel bed!!!!!!!!!! flew home the day after with a load of bogroll wrapped round me knob. got a slap from the bird too for blaming her
in Barcelona on a stag do we went to the Bagdad club ( dirty sex club) thought it was just strippers but it was proper shagging. we were bladdered & went in front row? the finalbit of the show - to the tune of highlander by Queen had this big biker type boning a dead fit black piece - at the "climax" he popped his cork & some "harry munk" shot over the top of her & the stage & landed on the lad sat next to me in beige colured chinos!!! laff we nearly shat!!!! ( after we had jumped a row back just in case!!!!
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DietMarlboro
Guest
Pathos in Cyprus in 1992, me and my dad were watching the football, European Championship, in the hotel bar, pretty sure it was the Germany v Sweden game but the bar was fucking packed, mainly Germans, a few other Europeans and a handful of English. My dad decides to go over to a different bar in the hotel to get the drinks in and he's walking back and its pretty dark on the outside bit between the two bars.
Now me dad explains it as he felt a crack on his head and just thought 'hey up, some cunts trying to mug me' so he kicked out, launched the two drinks and swung a big punch to where he assumed the assailant would be in the darkness shouting some choice obscenities in the process.
This all seems fairly reasonable behaviour when explained to you like that but to me and the rest of the bar all we saw was some pissed up Irish loon walking into a sliding glass door, launching his drinks at it before laying into it and calling it a fucking cunt.
To be fair, the sliding door gave him no mither for the rest of the holiday.
Now me dad explains it as he felt a crack on his head and just thought 'hey up, some cunts trying to mug me' so he kicked out, launched the two drinks and swung a big punch to where he assumed the assailant would be in the darkness shouting some choice obscenities in the process.
This all seems fairly reasonable behaviour when explained to you like that but to me and the rest of the bar all we saw was some pissed up Irish loon walking into a sliding glass door, launching his drinks at it before laying into it and calling it a fucking cunt.
To be fair, the sliding door gave him no mither for the rest of the holiday.
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mufc1976
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Cant let this one end lads - there must be some more good ones knocking about at the back of your heads..........come on
top one
I know the exact island!
Screw getting your wicked way on that. It looked full of creepy crawlies if you peddle out beside it!
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thebighairedpixie
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After 4 years hard graft at uni, couple mates and I decided on a round the world trip, starting in Thailand, to Singapore, onto Oz then back through US of A. While in Thailand, we were getting a heap of attention, probably all lady boys, but still, when in Rome as the saying goes. We weren't there for long so figured it'd be rude not to sample the local Delicacies, obviously checking for the Adam's apple first. So after a day of lounging in the sun, getting tanked on beer, we headed out to a local hot spot. Getting approached by the usual half man half beasts, and eventually all 4 of us had an average pleasing to the eye catch. Back to the room we shared, biggish room, couple bedrooms, living area and bathroom. the main thing was 4 shagging areas so we didn't have to hear any of the other lads mid poont. Or did we? All is going fairly well, apart from the language barrier, i was in bedroom, my mate was in bathroom next door. Couldn't hear him. Next thing I hear a female voice yelling "No", hmmmm not good. Then I hear my mate, "Do it, sit down", her reply "No", him again "Sit down you bitch, just sitttttttttt dooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwn", next thing, bathroom door flies open, she bolts, with his cash and he's standing, johnny on, stark naked, shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ah well, looks like its back to wanking".
Martin H 7
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Is anyone a bit confused and worried with this story
Cantonas Big Balls
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i am
Tommytwoshoes
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Another...
This isn't a holiday story to be fair but I can't think of a better thread for it to sit in....
Pre-marriage I had my own house and a mate lodged with me. I've been hammering the nights out and spent a fortune so this particular saturday night I decides that I am staying in. My mate has no such financial issues so he's on the town as usual.
Now at the time I had been rattling this local slapper, mainly because it must have been my turn. I mean she's the kind of trollop that all the other trollops call a trollop. So I'm tucked up in my pit and it's about 2 ish in the morning when I hears my mate come home with someone. In his pissed up brain, he thinks it's funny to bring the trollop back as she's been asking where I was. The next minute my bedroon door gets booted open and in she walks. At first I am having none of it, what the fuck are you doing here and all that. However unless I physically pick her up and throw her down the stairs and out of the house, she isn't going anywhere. Besides the old gift horse and mouth scenario sprung to mind. Under the duvet she gets and its all getting a bit heated. After a bit of foreplay (the usual 30secs obv.) I gets myself on board. Now god only knows why I'm admitting to this on a public forum, but here goes...
I've literally just engaged the old fella and I mean entry has just taken place and splurt....fuck I thought should I bat through it and pretend it hasn't happened. She's been round the block enough to be wise to my game and says, "Have you just come?". Normally you'd try the old, "you turned me on that much..." routine but even she would know thats a crock of shit. So I didn't say anything and let my silence confirm her disappointment. Then she delivers what must be the worst put down ever delivered to a man in such a situation...top of her voice,
"You fucking wanker, I'm gonna get pregnant and I haven't even been fucked!"
This isn't a holiday story to be fair but I can't think of a better thread for it to sit in....
Pre-marriage I had my own house and a mate lodged with me. I've been hammering the nights out and spent a fortune so this particular saturday night I decides that I am staying in. My mate has no such financial issues so he's on the town as usual.
Now at the time I had been rattling this local slapper, mainly because it must have been my turn. I mean she's the kind of trollop that all the other trollops call a trollop. So I'm tucked up in my pit and it's about 2 ish in the morning when I hears my mate come home with someone. In his pissed up brain, he thinks it's funny to bring the trollop back as she's been asking where I was. The next minute my bedroon door gets booted open and in she walks. At first I am having none of it, what the fuck are you doing here and all that. However unless I physically pick her up and throw her down the stairs and out of the house, she isn't going anywhere. Besides the old gift horse and mouth scenario sprung to mind. Under the duvet she gets and its all getting a bit heated. After a bit of foreplay (the usual 30secs obv.) I gets myself on board. Now god only knows why I'm admitting to this on a public forum, but here goes...
I've literally just engaged the old fella and I mean entry has just taken place and splurt....fuck I thought should I bat through it and pretend it hasn't happened. She's been round the block enough to be wise to my game and says, "Have you just come?". Normally you'd try the old, "you turned me on that much..." routine but even she would know thats a crock of shit. So I didn't say anything and let my silence confirm her disappointment. Then she delivers what must be the worst put down ever delivered to a man in such a situation...top of her voice,
"You fucking wanker, I'm gonna get pregnant and I haven't even been fucked!"
Martin H 7
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This isn't a holiday story to be fair but I can't think of a better thread for it to sit in....
Pre-marriage I had my own house and a mate lodged with me. I've been hammering the nights out and spent a fortune so this particular saturday night I decides that I am staying in. My mate has no such financial issues so he's on the town as usual.
Now at the time I had been rattling this local slapper, mainly because it must have been my turn. I mean she's the kind of trollop that all the other trollops call a trollop. So I'm tucked up in my pit and it's about 2 ish in the morning when I hears my mate come home with someone. In his pissed up brain, he thinks it's funny to bring the trollop back as she's been asking where I was. The next minute my bedroon door gets booted open and in she walks. At first I am having none of it, what the fuck are you doing here and all that. However unless I physically pick her up and throw her down the stairs and out of the house, she isn't going anywhere. Besides the old gift horse and mouth scenario sprung to mind. Under the duvet she gets and its all getting a bit heated. After a bit of foreplay (the usual 30secs obv.) I gets myself on board. Now god only knows why I'm admitting to this on a public forum, but here goes...
I've literally just engaged the old fella and I mean entry has just taken place and splurt....fuck I thought should I bat through it and pretend it hasn't happened. She's been round the block enough to be wise to my game and says, "Have you just come?". Normally you'd try the old, "you turned me on that much..." routine but even she would know thats a crock of shit. So I didn't say anything and let my silence confirm her disappointment. Then she delivers what must be the worst put down ever delivered to a man in such a situation...top of her voice,
"You fucking wanker, I'm gonna get pregnant and I haven't even been fucked!"
Quality phrase
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mufc1976
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So what was going on then pixie? Was he going for the old tea towel holder?
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mufc1976
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thebighairedpixie
Guest
To this day the details are a little cloudy. He told us all was going well and when he pulled a kitchen chair in and told her to sit down thats when it all went wrong. Maybe he wanted her to sit down and he'd do a little lap dance for her, no idea. To be fair, I'm surprised she hung about as long as she did, he's got a face like a melted wellington boot.