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CLASSIC: Ever shat yourself?

Sitting in the pub one sunny Saturday afternoon with my brother in law when I was overcome by a horrendous smell of shite, as I was about to call him a smelly bastard he ran off in the direction of the bog obviously in trouble.

Some time later he arrived back sat down and proudly announced "I just fucking shit myself!" I asked him if he needed to go home but not being one to leave an open pub he explained that he took his shitty pants off and as the toilets were busy he threw them out the window into the car park.

Just as he was finishing his story the barmaid came into the pub carrying empty's shouting "some dirty cunts just thrown a pair of shitty pants into the garden" stating "I don't get paid enough to pick them up" The silly fucker got his bearings wrong and had mistakenly thrown his shitty pants into the packed beer garden! I nearly fucking followed through myself I laughed so much.
 
Elmore Blues said:
Sitting in the pub one sunny Saturday afternoon with my brother in law when I was overcome by a horrendous smell of shite, as I was about to call him a smelly bastard he ran off in the direction of the bog obviously in trouble.

Some time later he arrived back sat down and proudly announced "I just fucking shit myself!" I asked him if he needed to go home but not being one to leave an open pub he explained that he took his shitty pants off and as the toilets were busy he threw them out the window into the car park.

Just as he was finishing his story the barmaid came into the pub carrying empty's shouting "some dirty cunts just thrown a pair of shitty pants into the garden" stating "I don't get paid enough to pick them up" The silly fucker got his bearings wrong and had mistakenly thrown his shitty pants into the packed beer garden! I nearly fucking followed through myself I laughed so much.
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:D
 
Elmore Blues said:
Sitting in the pub one sunny Saturday afternoon with my brother in law when I was overcome by a horrendous smell of shite, as I was about to call him a smelly bastard he ran off in the direction of the bog obviously in trouble.

Some time later he arrived back sat down and proudly announced "I just fucking shit myself!" I asked him if he needed to go home but not being one to leave an open pub he explained that he took his shitty pants off and as the toilets were busy he threw them out the window into the car park.

Just as he was finishing his story the barmaid came into the pub carrying empty's shouting "some dirty cunts just thrown a pair of shitty pants into the garden" stating "I don't get paid enough to pick them up" The silly fucker got his bearings wrong and had mistakenly thrown his shitty pants into the packed beer garden! I nearly fucking followed through myself I laughed so much.
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:D Quality.
 
Did it the other day at work. Had some dodgy food the night before and had a bit of a weird stomach consequently.
Was stood having a piss at the urinal and did the obligatory fart, only it became quickly apparent that this was more than a fart.
Had to sidestep my way, with my cock out, into the adjacent cubicles to address the issue.
 
Had been rough for a few days ( bad guts)
probably shouldn't have been in work,
Out on my post round let a little trump go and bingo warm runny stuff all in my undies:(
Nipped round the corner to the old folks home I delivered to wiped my arse and hid said brown shitty gruds in a bin :cool:
 
I was really ill a couple of years ago and was sweating that much my bed was piss wet through.

Anyway, I also had the shits really bad and couldn't keep anything down. I farted 3 times in the week I was ill and followed through in bed. :o

I had to change my sheets every day for 6 days I was sweating that much as well as shitting myself.

Fuck me, I lost a load of weight and when I went back in to week after 10 days people were saying how much weight I had lost and still looked really out of it.

It was a horrible week that, I thought I wouldn't make it. :(
 
Shit Wasp! said:
I am proud to say that I have indeed shat myself on two occasions.

The first occasion was when me and Miss Shit Wasp! were on our way back from Dominican Republic. We were at the airport and had checked in all of our luggage, I'd had no real problems in the shit department whilst we were there so didn't think twice when I leant over to force out some brown air.

The only problem was that instead of brown air, it was brown liquid that came out. I rushed over to the toilet with Miss Shit Wasp!'s bag that had tissues & wet wipes in to see if I could make some much needed repairs but it was hopeless. My boxers had more skids than the starting grid at Silverstone and worse still it had soaked through to my Khaki coloured shorts. The smell was ten times worse than a normal shit.

I basically had two options, wait for the shit to dry and carry on our journey stinking of shit or ditch my boxers & shorts, clean myself up and put on Miss Shit Wasp!'s 3/4 length trousers that she was carrying for when we landed back in the UK.

I went for the second option and dropped an emergency immodium for protection. A major side issue was the fact that I am a little bit bigger than Miss Shit Wasp and not really built for wearing Women’s clothes.

To this day, I'm not sure what would have looked worse for boarding the plane and walking through Arrivals at Heathrow to meet my mate. Wearing shit stained shorts and smelling of it, or looking like I did wearing a pair of skin tight 3/4 length's that had a fucking great big pink flower down the left leg.



The second one was slightly less embarrassing for me but would probably land me in deep shit if Miss Shit Wasp! ever found out.

After a heavy night out on the lash and spending a few hours in bed watching Hollyoaks on a Sunday morning. I was just about to get out of bed for a dump when I decided to gamble on a fart. Basically, I lost! Big time!

The way our bedroom is set up, you, or rather I can sit on the toilet in the En-Suite and still watch TV. So there I am, door wide open getting rid of last nights Kebab when Miss Shit Wasp! comes back home. The first thing she notices as soon as she walks into the bedroom, apart from the stench of my freshly laid cable, is a skid mark on the bed sheets.

Straight away I get "what the fuck is that" thinking on my feet, I decide to play innocent and just replied, "Dunno, it might have been the cat he's been running about in here"

I kind of regretted saying that as she got down to have a closer look and smelt it, replying "the little shit he's staying outside tonight"

However, it was a result as she ended up stripping the bed, putting fresh bedding on so I could go back to bed and washed the sheets for me. Result!

I did however make sure the cat was rewarded for taking one for the team. I gave him a few extra treats that day and made sure he was inside before I went to bed.
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She didn't notice?

Edit, thought that was part of the first story.
 
On holiday with the family and in laws and we were sharing a villa. After a few beers in the evening I was sent to the supermarket to get a few more supplies.
It was only about 400m away and there was a nice curve to the road, so I started a gentle jog but as I approached the corner I went at it full tilt with disastrous consequences.
A bubble fart escaped and I knew I was in trouble. I shimmied into the supermarket and knew I had to think on my feet, I went straight to the bog roll and craftily opened a packet, took a handful out and slapped it between my cheeks.
I returned to the villa with the shopping and a lump in the back of my shorts.
 
This was a true story.

This sales manager was flying some clients to holland on a small plane from Manchester airport.

After the plane had taken off the sales manager asked the stuardess where the toilets were, only to be told there were none on the plane.

The sales manager was at his wits end, he had a doggy stomach and was unable to hold the shit in.

He asked the stewardess if there was anything he could do

The only alternative was to go to the back of the plane, draw the curtains, and have a shit in a plastic bag.

The smell in the cabin did not impress his clients.

He resigned from the firm later :D
 
I did it a month ago in Ayia Napa. Not a big one but was playing heads and volleys by the side of the pool and as I went to catch the ball it just popped out. I wrapped the towel round me and swiftly walked back to the room hoping no one could smell me :o
 
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Thought I'd add another.

A few years ago, the ex and me were on our way to her sister's. We'd stopped for breakfast on the way and despite cooked breakfasts generally disagreeing with me (I think it's the pork, orange juice and coffee combination), we were almost at our destination without incident.

As there was no indication to make me suspect that anything else but a noxious gust would be released, I lifted my arse from the car seat and let out a little squeaker...only to suddenly feel instead the unmistakeable burn of a slimy turd leaking out of my anus and between my cheeks.

"I've just shat myself," was all I could gasp to the missus. Remarkably, she was incredibly understanding.

We were just passing a department store at a mall and so I pulled into the car park (I was driving, which made things even more awkward) and the ex and me devised a plan wherein we'd run in, I'd rush to the toilets, she'd buy me some clean jeans and underpants and bring them to the toilets and hey presto - nobody would be any the wiser.

All was going according to plan. I went to the bog, rushed into a cubicle, finished my shit and wiped my arse and removed my shitstained boxers and skidded jeans then sat waiting for her to turn up.

Eventually I heard the door of the toilets open, the missus calling my name, I unbolted the cubicle door and darted out, man-vegetables exposed and started saying "Thank fuck you're here..."

...to come face to face with some bloke and his young son.

My ex was standing just outside the toilet door.
 
Elmore Blues said:
Sitting in the pub one sunny Saturday afternoon with my brother in law when I was overcome by a horrendous smell of shite, as I was about to call him a smelly bastard he ran off in the direction of the bog obviously in trouble.

Some time later he arrived back sat down and proudly announced "I just fucking shit myself!" I asked him if he needed to go home but not being one to leave an open pub he explained that he took his shitty pants off and as the toilets were busy he threw them out the window into the car park.

Just as he was finishing his story the barmaid came into the pub carrying empty's shouting "some dirty cunts just thrown a pair of shitty pants into the garden" stating "I don't get paid enough to pick them up" The silly fucker got his bearings wrong and had mistakenly thrown his shitty pants into the packed beer garden! I nearly fucking followed through myself I laughed so much.
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Dont know why but that line cracked me up :D
 
hescoresgoalz said:
Dont know why but that line cracked me up :D
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Yeah like what you would normally get from an eye witness to a light aircraft crash.

"Another witness, Gregg Smith of El Cajon, said he heard the plane take off but could tell it didn’t have enough power, “and then it was going down and I looked up. It was very low, barely missed my building across the street.”

The plane turned left toward Target, barely missed some power lines, Smith said, “and I heard a big thud” and saw flames a “bunch of black smoke.”
 
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Sat in my own shit on the way home from work

:o cocked my leg for what appeared to be a standard fart and I've dropped what feels like a bucket of shite in my new George slacks. No rumble of the gut warning or fuck all and I've still got 10 mile to go.

I'm now sat in my own shit with my sisters birthday card under my arse to prevent any seepage into my upholstery and I'm probably gonna get nappy rash too :mad:
 
roy's creamy quim said:
:o cocked my leg for what appeared to be a standard fart and I've dropped what feels like a bucket of shite in my new George slacks. No rumble of the gut warning or fuck all and I've still got 10 mile to go.

I'm now sat in my own shit with my sisters birthday card under my arse to prevent any seepage into my upholstery and I'm probably gonna get nappy rash too :mad:
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Outstanding.
:cool:
 
Respect I have always wanted to do that but never had the balls. What's the traffic like? Link to sister too thanks
 
roy's creamy quim said:
:o cocked my leg for what appeared to be a standard fart and I've dropped what feels like a bucket of shite in my new George slacks. No rumble of the gut warning or fuck all and I've still got 10 mile to go.

I'm now sat in my own shit with my sisters birthday card under my arse to prevent any seepage into my upholstery and I'm probably gonna get nappy rash too :mad:
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On the upside though, Roy, we signed a 19 year old for £36m.
 
Not sure your sister is going to appreciate the scratch'n'sniff card
 
Space1999 said:
Respect I have always wanted to do that but never had the balls. What's the traffic like? Link to sister too thanks
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I didn't do it on purpose, didn't even need a shite. Traffic isn't bad but I've had a 30 minute crawl on Elland by pass if you know it you'll know my pain. Could have been worse I could have been on the way to work.
 
i hope you get pulled over and have to explain yourself to a stunning female officer:D
 
roy's creamy quim said:
:o cocked my leg for what appeared to be a standard fart and I've dropped what feels like a bucket of shite in my new George slacks. No rumble of the gut warning or fuck all and I've still got 10 mile to go.

I'm now sat in my own shit with my sisters birthday card under my arse to prevent any seepage into my upholstery and I'm probably gonna get nappy rash too :mad:
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How on earth did a Dodoo transfer succeed after the 6pm deadline??
 
When I saw the thread title I was hoping you were on a train or bus.
 
Irwell would have posted a selfie by now.
 
What do the other people on the bus think?
 
Been involved in the odd pile up myself.
 
These are the thread titles that I am strangely drawn toward :cool:
Let's face it, it's what made us fall for this site in the first place.
Feels warm, bit like the OP's slacks
 
Alistair Flair said:
These are the thread titles that I am strangely drawn toward :cool:
Let's face it, it's what made us fall for this site in the first place.
Feels warm, bit like the OP's George slacks
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Fixed
 
the moral of this tale is,always keep a nappy in your car.

*tracy emin will be in touch.
 
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roy's creamy quim said:
:o cocked my leg for what appeared to be a standard fart and I've dropped what feels like a bucket of shite in my new George slacks. No rumble of the gut warning or fuck all and I've still got 10 mile to go.

I'm now sat in my own shit with my sisters birthday card under my arse to prevent any seepage into my upholstery and I'm probably gonna get nappy rash too :mad:
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Good work Royston. It can be uncomfortable following through but the smell of your own shit is always a treat :cool:
 
Finally amidst all the chaos of the last 24 hours normality is resumed on RI :cool:
 
Yeah and if you spot the Golden Arches don't be a shot bag and take the drive through option.
 
Space1999 said:
Yeah and if you spot the Golden Arches don't be a shot bag and take the drive through option.
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Or if he spots a used car dealership then shuffle round and ask if he can leave a deposit on one of the vehicles.
 
Did similar myself a few years ago, was driving to a meeting in Bredbury, I'd had been out the night before and tried to squeeze one out and BLAP spent the next 5 or so miles trying to balance on one arse cheek. Luckily I'd arrived really early, dumped my under cracks down the toilet and spent ages cleaning myself up:o
 
Managed to get home incident free (apart from shitting myself obviously) and she was still at work, I looked like a fucking giant baby there was shite from the crack of my arse right up to the base of my shaft, would have made a cracking butterfly picture if I'd had time, the scramble to get those pants in the washer before she rocked up was intense I can tell ya :D

Card's ruined and there appeared to be a slight stripe on the seat but it's a pool car as mine is in for repair so some poor bastard is getting a shitty seat during their next service. Strides are now spotless and ready for another shift but I'll have to knock farting on the head from now on.
 
You can't beat peeling your legs out of a pair of shitty strides. Taking a Karate kid v Thunderbirds stance to avoid making a Jackson Pollock of the bathroom floor.
 
There's an advert in there for 'George Keks' and a 'non-seepage' range. Unsoiled birthday card included and a cheeky wink from the driver ;)
 
roy's creamy quim said:
Managed to get home incident free (apart from shitting myself obviously) and she was still at work, I looked like a fucking giant baby there was shite from the crack of my arse right up to the base of my shaft, would have made a cracking butterfly picture if I'd had time, the scramble to get those pants in the washer before she rocked up was intense I can tell ya :D

:D Shit happens...:o

Card's ruined and there appeared to be a slight stripe on the seat but it's a pool car as mine is in for repair so some poor bastard is getting a shitty seat during their next service. Strides are now spotless and ready for another shift but I'll have to knock farting on the head from now on.
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:D Sharting.
 
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