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CLASSIC: Ever shat yourself?

I shat myself on derby day.

Had a couple before the match, one at half time and a couple after and then went home. Because I was a bit tiddly I decided to have a bottle of wine before I went to a party in town where I had 5 pints of Kroenenburg, two jaeger bombs and some other stuff that tasted a bit like rum.

I was pissed and couldnt gather my senses adequately enough to negotiate a cab so I decided to walk home to Newton Heath. Had the farts and stomach cramps all the way home but it wasnt anything I couldnt handle. Wrong. As I was going past that church at the top of Briscoe Lane I 'farted' and my trousers were filled with anal slurry :(

When I got home I cleaned my arse and underpants in the garden with the hosepipe - I'm 90% sure my neighbours saw me :(
 
Absolute Wanker said:
I shat myself on derby day.

Had a couple before the match, one at half time and a couple after and then went home. Because I was a bit tiddly I decided to have a bottle of wine before I went to a party in town where I had 5 pints of Kroenenburg, two jaeger bombs and some other stuff that tasted a bit like rum.

I was pissed and couldnt gather my senses adequately enough to negotiate a cab so I decided to walk home to Newton Heath. Had the farts and stomach cramps all the way home but it wasnt anything I couldnt handle. Wrong. As I was going past that church at the top of Briscoe Lane I 'farted' and my trousers were filled with anal slurry :(

When I got home I cleaned my arse and underpants in the garden with the hosepipe - I'm 90% sure my neighbours saw me :(
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Funny as fuck this thread, especially the bold bit.
 
Shit thread.
 
Have you ever shit yourself?

I did once about 3 years ago, out on the piss and had a dodgey stomach, standing at the bar checking out the fanny and went to fart and whoosh, all came out, just left my mates in the club and got a taxi home, i stupidly gave the taxi driver an extra fiver to wait 10 minutes for me while i got changed and he fucked off, i must have stunk of it.
 
I'd wager anyone who hasn't shit themselves at some point has led a very sheltered life.
 
no but I've put a quaver in the microwave
 
A few times, shit in my mates car when I had shorts on and no undies on.:eek:
 
Numerous times. Though most recent was spurs home match in 09/10 around April time. Went exchange square in town after the match. Was drinking cider from sinclairs. Did a little fart and felt it slide down the leg. Went to the toilet, no bog roll so off came the socks and boxers.
 
Me and a mate got a bird round to get her pissed on white lightning and get her to do stuff by playing the dare game. Ended up with me completely twatted wearing my pants round my ankles, as that was her dare for me. I then proceeded to wow the pants off her by heavily vomitting into my pants, which acted as a makeshift bucket. I made my excuses and waddled off across the floor. Woke up in the morning to find I'd shit the bed. Needless to say didn't see much of her again.
 
vinsta said:
Me and a mate got a bird round to get her pissed on white lightning and get her to do stuff by playing the dare game. Ended up with me completely twatted wearing my pants round my ankles, as that was her dare for me. I then proceeded to wow the pants off her by heavily vomitting into my pants, which acted as a makeshift bucket. I made my excuses and waddled off across the floor. Woke up in the morning to find I'd shit the bed. Needless to say didn't see much of her again.
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:D:eek:
 
Once.

My mum told me my middle name was 'Gavin'. Later told me she'd made it up, oh how we laughed.
 
shit myself last week at benicassim after 4 days of drinking,although when i say shit it was really just a fart then some brown water running down my leg.had shorts on and did cause a bit of a scene
 
vinsta said:
Me and a mate got a bird round to get her pissed on white lightning and get her to do stuff by playing the dare game. Ended up with me completely twatted wearing my pants round my ankles, as that was her dare for me. I then proceeded to wow the pants off her by heavily vomitting into my pants, which acted as a makeshift bucket. I made my excuses and waddled off across the floor. Woke up in the morning to find I'd shit the bed. Needless to say didn't see much of her again.
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what a bitch....
no sense of humour birds..:(
 
When my brother was still at high school, my mum got a call from the receptionist there saying someone needed to come to get him as he'd had an accident, my mum was obviously panicked and rang my dad up to let him. When my dad got back, he just ran in the house with the look of utter disgust, and nearly throwing up, then my brother followed with the most horrible stench emanating from him. He'd only gone and shit himself. He said he really needed to go, but wanted to try and hold out till home time, because he didn't want to take a dump at school because people would know if he went to the loo for a while that he'd been for a shit. People must have known in school, to be honest I don't know if I could have ever gone back again.
 
Trafford_Red said:
When my brother was still at high school, my mum got a call from the receptionist there saying someone needed to come to get him as he'd had an accident, my mum was obviously panicked and rang my dad up to let him. When my dad got back, he just ran in the house with the look of utter disgust, and nearly throwing up, then my brother followed with the most horrible stench emanating from him. He'd only gone and shit himself. He said he really needed to go, but wanted to try and hold out till home time, because he didn't want to take a dump at school because people would know if he went to the loo for a while that he'd been for a shit. People must have known in school, to be honest I don't know if I could have ever gone back again.
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There's always one
 
vinsta said:
Me and a mate got a bird round to get her pissed on white lightning and get her to do stuff by playing the dare game. Ended up with me completely twatted wearing my pants round my ankles, as that was her dare for me. I then proceeded to wow the pants off her by heavily vomitting into my pants, which acted as a makeshift bucket. I made my excuses and waddled off across the floor. Woke up in the morning to find I'd shit the bed. Needless to say didn't see much of her again.
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I doubt you needed to make any excuses:D:D
 
Having not read this thread before I am in fuckin tears and a virtual wreck here at work,people are asking whats the matter.

Fukin quality
:D
 
Absolute Wanker said:
I shat myself on derby day.

Had a couple before the match, one at half time and a couple after and then went home. Because I was a bit tiddly I decided to have a bottle of wine before I went to a party in town where I had 5 pints of Kroenenburg, two jaeger bombs and some other stuff that tasted a bit like rum.

I was pissed and couldnt gather my senses adequately enough to negotiate a cab so I decided to walk home to Newton Heath. Had the farts and stomach cramps all the way home but it wasnt anything I couldnt handle. Wrong. As I was going past that church at the top of Briscoe Lane I 'farted' and my trousers were filled with anal slurry :(

When I got home I cleaned my arse and underpants in the garden with the hosepipe - I'm 90% sure my neighbours saw me :(
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:D:D
I went looking for this thread for 'research' purposes.

:o

Answer to the OP is NO NEVER, well as of yesterday
 
Had me giggling away for an hour or so this afternoon reading through this thread again after so long.

I've got a couple of examples to add.

I woke up in my ex's bed one night many years ago with excruciating stomach pains. Thinking I just needed a good fart, and as she was asleep, I started to cautiously let rip only for the inevitable stream of rusty water to dribble from my arse.
I jumped up, waking her up in the process and rushed off to the bog to empty my bowels with much noise and groaning only to return to bed to find her standing next to my side with the light on and the duvet off, shaking her head as she looked down on the streak of liquid shit I'd deposited on the sheet.
The funny thing was, it almost exactly resembled the shape of Italy.

Crapped myself a couple of times since but usually I have the foresight now just to quickly find somewhere to have an al fresco dump. This usually happens when I'm working.
Such an example happened a couple of years ago when I had to drive to a remote spot to meet my boss and the chief engineer from a rather large engineering company we were subbing for. I arrived a lot earlier than everybody else and in dire need of a dump. I grabbed a bunch of McDonald's serviettes that I'd been saving for such an occasion and headed off down a trail for a quick squat.
As I was crouching there at the side of the path 'laying cable' I became aware of a man walking along it towards me. At first he appeared to squint obviously trying to figure out what I was doing. When this became evident he looked away and as he passed I felt obliged to mutter a squeaky "Hi!".
I wiped my arse and headed back to my truck. Before long my boss arrived and as we stood talking I noted with horror the man who had witnessed me shitting was getting out of a car and walking towards us. He then introduced himself as the engineer we were supposed to meet.

Unsurprisingly, he didn't shake my hand.
 
This thread should be sent back to the main forum!
 
*posted on behalf on non forum member-hoping to earn registration!

I used to cycle to work in wythenshawe, from chorlton a nice 5 mile bike in the morning to blow away the cobwebs used to serve me well and along with the ride home it all amounted to some pretty good exercise throughout the week.
I also had full body waterproofs so, whatever the weather, i could get to work and apart from the odd puncture I never had any problems getting in on time.

Then, one morning I was on my normal route cycling in the pissing down rain through wythenshawe park, i felt a ''beer fart'' brewing, of which there had already been plenty since waking following on from several guinness the night before, so i pushed on while trying to squeeze out a one-cheeker.
Pausing briefly and refraining from cycling while i raised one cheek to let out some gas, i then went over a slight bump on the path at the same time as exhaling through my anus.

The end result was catastrophic. The bump caused the ''fart'' to intensify and i momentarily lost control of my rectum.
This was a bowel jihad which very quickly filled my undies and waterproof pants with shit sludge.
This was then further squashed and redistributed around the waterproofs by the constant cycling movement.

I did a quick analysis of my options:

As I was closer to work than home, it didn't make sense to go all the way home in this state to clean up.
I would have to get to work and somehow try to manage the cleanup from there.

I struggled on, constantly changing my mind as to whether to sit down or not.
Part of the way I cycled hovering above the seat which was more difficult and probably pointless.

As I got to work, my mission was to get past security, swipe in as normal and head to the toilets (no showers) unluckily my boss was also in security so we said hello and walked up together.
The look on his face was a picture, a mixture of confusion and disgust.
he must have smelt the shite but i put it down to the weather and a bad puddle!
I got in the bogs and mopped up as best i could.
I had no spare undies so went commando changing into my work pants.
Dont remember much else other than popping out to buy new undies and trousers in my dinner hour as the one i had been wearing were caked in dried up shit.
 
Pennypacker said:
*posted on behalf on non forum member-hoping to earn registration!

I used to cycle to work in wythenshawe, from chorlton a nice 5 mile bike in the morning to blow away the cobwebs used to serve me well and along with the ride home it all amounted to some pretty good exercise throughout the week.
I also had full body waterproofs so, whatever the weather, i could get to work and apart from the odd puncture I never had any problems getting in on time.

Then, one morning I was on my normal route cycling in the pissing down rain through wythenshawe park, i felt a ''beer fart'' brewing, of which there had already been plenty since waking following on from several guinness the night before, so i pushed on while trying to squeeze out a one-cheeker.
Pausing briefly and refraining from cycling while i raised one cheek to let out some gas, i then went over a slight bump on the path at the same time as exhaling through my anus.

The end result was catastrophic. The bump caused the ''fart'' to intensify and i momentarily lost control of my rectum.
This was a bowel jihad which very quickly filled my undies and waterproof pants with shit sludge.
This was then further squashed and redistributed around the waterproofs by the constant cycling movement.

I did a quick analysis of my options:

As I was closer to work than home, it didn't make sense to go all the way home in this state to clean up.
I would have to get to work and somehow try to manage the cleanup from there.

I struggled on, constantly changing my mind as to whether to sit down or not.
Part of the way I cycled hovering above the seat which was more difficult and probably pointless.

As I got to work, my mission was to get past security, swipe in as normal and head to the toilets (no showers) unluckily my boss was also in security so we said hello and walked up together.
The look on his face was a picture, a mixture of confusion and disgust.
he must have smelt the shite but i put it down to the weather and a bad puddle!
I got in the bogs and mopped up as best i could.
I had no spare undies so went commando changing into my work pants.
Dont remember much else other than popping out to buy new undies and trousers in my dinner hour as the one i had been wearing were caked in dried up shit.
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:D:D:D:D:D I love this thread
 
Once. About 6 years ago went for a total piss up after work and got completley bollocksed. After a night supping Guiness and eating a curry from Lights of India I then decide its best that I got the last tram home where I was surrounded by annoying cunts gobbing off at each other and talking general shite for the journey home

Decided to leave them a parting gift when i got off at Timperley as I felt a fart brewing. Sadly I got more than I bargained for as I stank the tram out and shit myself :eek:

Had to walk down Park Road home with my arse itching like fuck due to the crusty shit clinging onto my cheeks and the smell made me puke twice.

Headed home only for my mum to catch me brown trousered an all.

Dumped jeans and boxers in the bin, shower and bed :(

Matt said:
Yes, when Fletcher scored today
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Bet he shit himself too :eek:
 
Round and Round said:
Once. About 6 years ago went for a total piss up after work and got completley bollocksed. After a night supping Guiness and eating a curry from Lights of India I then decide its best that I got the last tram home where I was surrounded by annoying cunts gobbing off at each other and talking general shite for the journey home

Decided to leave them a parting gift when i got off at Timperley as I felt a fart brewing. Sadly I got more than I bargained for as I stank the tram out and shit myself :eek:

Had to walk down Park Road home with my arse itching like fuck due to the crusty shit clinging onto my cheeks and the smell made me puke twice.

Headed home only for my mum to catch me brown trousered an all.

Dumped jeans and boxers in the bin, shower and bed :(



Bet he shit himself too :eek:
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:D brilliant!
 
Mine

See an earlier thread a few years ago re my "shame"!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

China (as in the country).
Ok meals for 3 days.
Dinner / lunch in the Directors lounge at a major business. Saturday afternoon trip to a factory about 2 hours drive.
Drive there OK
On leaving felt "funny"
Basically - after jamming my hanky up my arse in tears of pain............
.
.
.
..
.
.
I shat in the back of a Merc S600Limo.
It came down my pants and onto the carpet - smell- well ....

I thank you!
 
March 1st 1980, the date is lasered into my memory, we were on our way back from Ipswich after losing 0-6:( as the train pulled into Piccadilly i felt this urge to fart as a parting gift to fellow Reds, there was no inclination of what was going to happen.

Just as the train slowed down to enter the station I thought now is the time, I farted and to my utter utter horror I followed through, but, the major problem was I was wearing white jeans:o, I just sat there, all the lads were getting off the train saying come on we're going for a pint and i just sat there wondering what the fuck I was going to do.

Next thing someone syas the inevitable, who the fuck has done that, everyone knew it was me.

I still just sat there, I was the last off the train, I went into the bog on the train to inspect the damage below, there was this horrible 8 inch wide brown cow pat in my jeans, then a moment of inspiration, I tied my coat around my waist so it hung down at the back, walked out of the station got into a taxi and luckily made it home, not one of the better away trips.
 
Theres a book worth of stories in this thread now :D
 
Went to watch United in Bucharest in 04 and caught fucking salmonella out there. It was in a proper shit stadium with only portaloo's and no shit roll. We scored to go 2-1 up and I was close as fuck. :eek: On the flight home I couldn't get to the bog quick enough after take off either. Not very good for me that trip.
 
Text I sent my mate last week when I was on holiday (had been shitting rusty water for days but had been able to control it until this):

Walking along a beautiful beach on the island at 9am this morning back from breakfast to our villa. The sun was shining, the waves gently lapping the shore....and then I fucking shat my pants about 100 metres away from the villa. An absolute all time low! Later today I have to get on a sea plane with no toilet for a 40 minute plane ride. Can't wait!
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I fucking legged it back to the villa and my shorts were fucking ruined. They went straight in the bin and I showered the sludge off in the shower. Luckily the only witnesses were Mrs Serbs (who laughed her head off) and the kids.

My 7 y/o lad (no) also shat himself twice whilst we were away. On one occasion he said to Mrs Serbs "Mummy I think I've made my boxers brown!":D
 
Farted and followed through stories anyone....

Just wondering could do with a Friday afternoon laugh
 
My mate once did it bending over the pool table, to prove what he had done, put his hands down his jeans and showed everyone his shit covered fingers!!!
 
I am proud to say that I have indeed shat myself on two occasions.

The first occasion was when me and Miss Shit Wasp! were on our way back from Dominican Republic. We were at the airport and had checked in all of our luggage, I'd had no real problems in the shit department whilst we were there so didn't think twice when I leant over to force out some brown air.

The only problem was that instead of brown air, it was brown liquid that came out. I rushed over to the toilet with Miss Shit Wasp!'s bag that had tissues & wet wipes in to see if I could make some much needed repairs but it was hopeless. My boxers had more skids than the starting grid at Silverstone and worse still it had soaked through to my Khaki coloured shorts. The smell was ten times worse than a normal shit.

I basically had two options, wait for the shit to dry and carry on our journey stinking of shit or ditch my boxers & shorts, clean myself up and put on Miss Shit Wasp!'s 3/4 length trousers that she was carrying for when we landed back in the UK.

I went for the second option and dropped an emergency immodium for protection. A major side issue was the fact that I am a little bit bigger than Miss Shit Wasp and not really built for wearing Women’s clothes.

To this day, I'm not sure what would have looked worse for boarding the plane and walking through Arrivals at Heathrow to meet my mate. Wearing shit stained shorts and smelling of it, or looking like I did wearing a pair of skin tight 3/4 length's that had a fucking great big pink flower down the left leg.



The second one was slightly less embarrassing for me but would probably land me in deep shit if Miss Shit Wasp! ever found out.

After a heavy night out on the lash and spending a few hours in bed watching Hollyoaks on a Sunday morning. I was just about to get out of bed for a dump when I decided to gamble on a fart. Basically, I lost! Big time!

The way our bedroom is set up, you, or rather I can sit on the toilet in the En-Suite and still watch TV. So there I am, door wide open getting rid of last nights Kebab when Miss Shit Wasp! comes back home. The first thing she notices as soon as she walks into the bedroom, apart from the stench of my freshly laid cable, is a skid mark on the bed sheets.

Straight away I get "what the fuck is that" thinking on my feet, I decide to play innocent and just replied, "Dunno, it might have been the cat he's been running about in here"

I kind of regretted saying that as she got down to have a closer look and smelt it, replying "the little shit he's staying outside tonight"

However, it was a result as she ended up stripping the bed, putting fresh bedding on so I could go back to bed and washed the sheets for me. Result!

I did however make sure the cat was rewarded for taking one for the team. I gave him a few extra treats that day and made sure he was inside before I went to bed.
 
Home alone when I was about 12,just about to have a bath,farted in the hallway,turned round a big Macca on the wall(wood chip wallpaper ) took ages to get off.....was so proud told all my mates
 
I wouldn't call it shitting myself, I'd class it more as a 'jelly fart', but on the 11th hole on the golf course. Thought it was just going to be a normal fart but knew something was awry.

Had to run in the trees and wipe it on my scorecard :o
 
not me because i dont do this sort of thing,but was in a club in Newquay last summer,and this cunt doing the in betweeners dance,wearing white strides (cunt for that alone) obviously jam-tarted and followed through,but he was right into his moves and didnt know that a big brown,wet,bubbly stain was all around his arsehole,about the size of a small plate.endless mirth at his repeated knockbacks from even the fattest minger.
even his mates wouldn't tell him.
all in all,a superb nights entertainment.
 
Followed through while wearing a dressing gown watching catchphrase when I was young. Still hate thinking about it now, I just didn't know what the fuck to do.
 
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