I recommend climbing in the bath
CLASSIC: Ever shat yourself?
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I recommend climbing in the bath
Big Ron's PR Agent
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Many years ago I was in the Army and got accustomed to Becks (the drink) to the point of almost being an alcoholic, allegedly, woke up one morning with a big lump of shite in my undies....walked to the toilet and unceremoniously plopped it in the toilet. Didn't even bother to change my keks and got back bed. 3 hours later woke up with my bottom half covered in runny shit. Decided at that point I needed to get my shit together, literally and metaphorically. And as I side issue I shit on a guys chest for a bet. But that's another story for another thread me thinks....
TittyBiscuits
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Last week.
Had a belly ache and not feeling great. Decide to run a bath with some epsom salts.
Bath is running and Ive got nowt on. I go into the toilet (bog as a small separate room within the bathroom) for a piss.
I start to piss and all of a sudden I feel something on my calf. I look down and theres brown shit gravy all over the floor. Whilst I was pissing it just came out. I didnt even fart.
My immediate reaction was to put my had behind and check myself. Schoolboy error. Now Ive got a hand like Frank Bruno and shit is dripping.
Im covered, dripping trailing it all over the bathroom. I make my way into the shower and just rinse myself off.
At this point int eh shower Im just farting and spraying the tile with runny shit. I keep this up until the shit shower subsides.
I get out and get the bleach and clean up what looks like the set of 2 girls 1 cup in my bathroom.
I get in the bath. I get out. Right as rain
Anyway, on the plus side, clock reset and Ive not shat myself for 9 days.
Had a belly ache and not feeling great. Decide to run a bath with some epsom salts.
Bath is running and Ive got nowt on. I go into the toilet (bog as a small separate room within the bathroom) for a piss.
I start to piss and all of a sudden I feel something on my calf. I look down and theres brown shit gravy all over the floor. Whilst I was pissing it just came out. I didnt even fart.
My immediate reaction was to put my had behind and check myself. Schoolboy error. Now Ive got a hand like Frank Bruno and shit is dripping.
Im covered, dripping trailing it all over the bathroom. I make my way into the shower and just rinse myself off.
At this point int eh shower Im just farting and spraying the tile with runny shit. I keep this up until the shit shower subsides.
I get out and get the bleach and clean up what looks like the set of 2 girls 1 cup in my bathroom.
I get in the bath. I get out. Right as rain
Anyway, on the plus side, clock reset and Ive not shat myself for 9 days.
Brightside
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When I was in junior school in the early 80's, I went in school with a pretty bad case of the shits. Anyway, during a choir practice I felt this serious urge to splurge and filled my little undies. I told the teacher I needed the toilet and went to take off my shit stained undercrackers, then went to the cloakroom area to hide them in my coat pocket. But everybody back then had parka's and somebody else got to take home a little prezzie in their pocket 
Osama Bin Dipper
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I was on my way out one night with mates and before I had an ounce to drink, I felt a rumbling and threw up all over this wall. Mates were taking the piss "whats up can you smell the pub and its set you off" and all that.
Anyway, I soldiered on. Another 50 yards and I threw up again, this time I fart as I threw up and was convinced I had sharted (when you fart but shit). I told the lads I wasnt feeling well and started off home.
As soon as they were out of sight, I check my boxers and it was a false alarm.
By the time I got home I was in a panic, I felt dag rough. I was sweating and just started running upstairs pulling clothes off. By the time I got into the bathroom I was naked. I ran for the bog, bent over and threw my lungs up. Problem was as I threw up, runny liquid shit sprayed, projectile like from my ass all over the corner shower directly behind.
It was like clockwork, everytime I wretched, I sprayed out of the other end too.
I remember trying to clean shit out of the sliding door rails and the fiddly bits.
I ended up going to bed with a bucket and covered he bed in old towels first. Of course, first time I threw up, I shit the bed. Ended up sleeping on the bog with a bucket between my legs. Woke up in the morning right as rain
Food poisoning.
Ben Thornley
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Bump
Ben Thornley
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Have you ever shit yourself thread
Can someone get this back on the main. Currently in isolation in the "classic" threads
Best thread ever on here and there must be some more stories to add
Can someone get this back on the main. Currently in isolation in the "classic" threads
Best thread ever on here and there must be some more stories to add
Snakeskin_Eddie
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Yes! I've been waiting for this thread, I'm a specialist in this area.
A while back I went to see Early Doors at the Arena. Had a couple of pints on the way back and the rumblings commenced, bad pint methinks. However the train was due so I hoofed it down Deansgate to get the train. So far, so good, 'nary a Turtles head.
Anyway I gets off the train and felt something was not right. The first pub was shut as it was after 11 but there was another one up the road. As I approached I felt the first coming, the slither down your colon. I started to run. Too late, it just exploded into my pants
No sense in going to the pub now, had to walk home, luckily only 5 minutes away. However, it was not finished. More and more, just kept coming, like the icing out of one of those piping bag things
I trudged home with what felt like a ton of molten shite in my jeans. Luckily they were tight leg ones so it didn't run too much down my legs.
Into the bathroom and attempted to extract the shit from my jeans into the toilet, really just getting it everywhere. Try undoing your laces and taking your boots off when you have pants full of horrendous shite....
So finally into the shower, jeans off in the shower, spent about half an hour flushing out my clothes before even starting on meself.
Not the most pleasant experience I must admit....The feeling of volcanic shit swirling around your ball bag is not great
A while back I went to see Early Doors at the Arena. Had a couple of pints on the way back and the rumblings commenced, bad pint methinks. However the train was due so I hoofed it down Deansgate to get the train. So far, so good, 'nary a Turtles head.
Anyway I gets off the train and felt something was not right. The first pub was shut as it was after 11 but there was another one up the road. As I approached I felt the first coming, the slither down your colon. I started to run. Too late, it just exploded into my pants
No sense in going to the pub now, had to walk home, luckily only 5 minutes away. However, it was not finished. More and more, just kept coming, like the icing out of one of those piping bag things
I trudged home with what felt like a ton of molten shite in my jeans. Luckily they were tight leg ones so it didn't run too much down my legs.
Into the bathroom and attempted to extract the shit from my jeans into the toilet, really just getting it everywhere. Try undoing your laces and taking your boots off when you have pants full of horrendous shite....
So finally into the shower, jeans off in the shower, spent about half an hour flushing out my clothes before even starting on meself.
Not the most pleasant experience I must admit....The feeling of volcanic shit swirling around your ball bag is not great
Ben Thornley
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Yes! I've been waiting for this thread, I'm a specialist in this area.
A while back I went to see Early Doors at the Arena. Had a couple of pints on the way back and the rumblings commenced, bad pint methinks. However the train was due so I hoofed it down Deansgate to get the train. So far, so good, 'nary a Turtles head.
Anyway I gets off the train and felt something was not right. The first pub was shut as it was after 11 but there was another one up the road. As I approached I felt the first coming, the slither down your colon. I started to run. Too late, it just exploded into my pants
No sense in going to the pub now, had to walk home, luckily only 5 minutes away. However, it was not finished. More and more, just kept coming, like the icing out of one of those piping bag things
I trudged home with what felt like a ton of molten shite in my jeans. Luckily they were tight leg ones so it didn't run too much down my legs.
Into the bathroom and attempted to extract the shit from my jeans into the toilet, really just getting it everywhere. Try undoing your laces and taking your boots off when you have pants full of horrendous shite....
So finally into the shower, jeans off in the shower, spent about half an hour flushing out my clothes before even starting on meself.
Not the most pleasant experience I must admit....The feeling of volcanic shit swirling around your ball bag is not great
Brightside
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I shit myself as a kid in primary school in about 85'. I'd had the shits and we were doing some choir practice or some bollocks on the stage in the assembly hall. I shat myself and asked the teacher to go to the toilet. When in the toilet I took off the soiled duds, and then went to put them in my coat pocket in the cloakroom. I got home later and went to take them out but there was nothing there. Everybody had parka coats back then and somebody must've had a nice surprise when they put their hands in their pockets
i hate mullets
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2 belters so far
Unfortunately, the bar has been set too high and unreachable with the "I've got shit on my tights" story on the original post. Think it was padders, not sure.
Unfortunately, the bar has been set too high and unreachable with the "I've got shit on my tights" story on the original post. Think it was padders, not sure.
I shit myself as a kid in primary school in about 85'. I'd had the shits and we were doing some choir practice or some bollocks on the stage in the assembly hall. I shat myself and asked the teacher to go to the toilet. When in the toilet I took off the soiled duds, and then went to put them in my coat pocket in the cloakroom. I got home later and went to take them out but there was nothing there. Everybody had parka coats back then and somebody must've had a nice surprise when they put their hands in their pockets
Excellent!Eastmancred
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I was shopping in Town with the Missus and was a bit hungry so got a hotdog from the place between Debenhams and Piccadilly Gardens, I've had them from there before and no problems.
Later on we were off to a 50th in Glossop and she was driving so we set off and within a couple of minutes I got the cramps and sweats and that feeling that nothing is going to stop it. Fortunately we were approaching 'Spoons in Stalybridge so I got her to park up so I could go and let the inevitable shit tsunami out.
I got out of the car doing that walk where you don't want to make it obvious you're in a bit of a panic and I thought I'd cracked it but just as I got to the bit where people congregate outside it let loose and flooded out, I spun around and trudged back to the car walking like a penguin to be faced with my Wife sat there laughing her keks off, The worst bit was I know everyone knew what I'd done, It was shameful.
Later on we were off to a 50th in Glossop and she was driving so we set off and within a couple of minutes I got the cramps and sweats and that feeling that nothing is going to stop it. Fortunately we were approaching 'Spoons in Stalybridge so I got her to park up so I could go and let the inevitable shit tsunami out.
I got out of the car doing that walk where you don't want to make it obvious you're in a bit of a panic and I thought I'd cracked it but just as I got to the bit where people congregate outside it let loose and flooded out, I spun around and trudged back to the car walking like a penguin to be faced with my Wife sat there laughing her keks off, The worst bit was I know everyone knew what I'd done, It was shameful.
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eccles cake
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Lad in my class shit himself in 75 - his name was Andy and the Abba song Fernando was in the charts...
There was something in the air that night
It smelled of shite, from Andy
poor lad
i-8-kopites
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Not actually shit myself but had an awful experience that was equally embarrassing.
Went out with mates on the piss and haooened to meet a very nice young lady i had a particular crush on at school. Got chatting and at the end of the night persuaded her to come back to my mates house for a drink. Like fuck.. I had only one intention in mind and it wasnt drinking.
Anyway on the walk back we had to cut through a park and i could feel this rumbling in my stomach and that sensation where half the world wants to drop out your anal cavity.
I hastily said i needed to have a pee and they should carry on walking. I would catch them up. I dived behind a bush. Dropped my keks, squatted down and proceeded to fire molten lava out my arse. Paying special attention to open my cheeks as wide as possible to avoid it sticking.
After about a minute it stopped and feeling confident there was nothing left i stood up. Feeling really proud that my arse would be nice and clean.
As i pulled up my pants and jeans i felt this warm and soggy sensation. Whilst squatting I hadn't leant back far enough and rather than dropping the contents of my stomach onto the floor i had managed to deposit 2 ton of steaming shit right into my pants and jeans...
Knowing any chance of carnal knowledge of this girl had just gone out the window and too scared to tell my mates what had happened i just hid in the bushes for 10 minutes. Slunk off home and proceeded to shower it all away.
Next day mates all asked what had happened. As the young lass had been worried about me. They had assured her i had gone home obviously due to the fact i i couldn't find them.
Didn't see her for about six months after that and when i did she said how disappointed she was that i went home. She ended up shagging one lf the lads instead..
Went out with mates on the piss and haooened to meet a very nice young lady i had a particular crush on at school. Got chatting and at the end of the night persuaded her to come back to my mates house for a drink. Like fuck.. I had only one intention in mind and it wasnt drinking.
Anyway on the walk back we had to cut through a park and i could feel this rumbling in my stomach and that sensation where half the world wants to drop out your anal cavity.
I hastily said i needed to have a pee and they should carry on walking. I would catch them up. I dived behind a bush. Dropped my keks, squatted down and proceeded to fire molten lava out my arse. Paying special attention to open my cheeks as wide as possible to avoid it sticking.
After about a minute it stopped and feeling confident there was nothing left i stood up. Feeling really proud that my arse would be nice and clean.
As i pulled up my pants and jeans i felt this warm and soggy sensation. Whilst squatting I hadn't leant back far enough and rather than dropping the contents of my stomach onto the floor i had managed to deposit 2 ton of steaming shit right into my pants and jeans...
Knowing any chance of carnal knowledge of this girl had just gone out the window and too scared to tell my mates what had happened i just hid in the bushes for 10 minutes. Slunk off home and proceeded to shower it all away.
Next day mates all asked what had happened. As the young lass had been worried about me. They had assured her i had gone home obviously due to the fact i i couldn't find them.
Didn't see her for about six months after that and when i did she said how disappointed she was that i went home. She ended up shagging one lf the lads instead..
About 20 years ago I'd been on the speed and booze and the day after I was on it again too. The following day we were stood outside Lou Macari's for an early kick off so I'm stood there shaking and feeling awful holding a cold can of lager when I thought I'd let out a little parp although I didn't. Put my hand down the back of my kecks and then brought my hands up to say to the lads "Er, I think I've shit myself." Had to toddle off to the ground about an hour before kick off where I had to leave my undies behind the cistern and try and wash my arse and bollocks as best as I could.
fletchershite
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Yes the day after dropping 3 Es back in the 90s. Farted and filled my boxers.
I followed through walking to OT before the Bayern game in 2010.
Nipped into The Quadrant pub, hid my soiled keks behind the cistern in the toilets, cleaned up and fled.
It seems the cistern is a hiding place of choice for many.
So above the Rafael red card, and Robben wonder strike, my abiding memory of that game is draughty bollocks.
P.S Apologies to the cleaner who found said pants.
Nipped into The Quadrant pub, hid my soiled keks behind the cistern in the toilets, cleaned up and fled.
It seems the cistern is a hiding place of choice for many.
So above the Rafael red card, and Robben wonder strike, my abiding memory of that game is draughty bollocks.
P.S Apologies to the cleaner who found said pants.
Ben Thornley
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I always thought I was a genius thinking of leaving used goods in the cistern. Obviously not judging by this thread and the previous
Ben Thornley
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My story, by no means has this happened just once, must have been told by me on here before
Everton away, must have been about 15 or more years ago.
Had a heavy Friday sesh and it was an early Saturday kick off. Started on the piss around 9am. Lasted the game without any issues
Had a couple in a pub after then went to head back. Was waiting for the train and got the dreaded bubble feeling. 2 minutes until the train came, and I thought "just make the train, and you will be fine"
Train came, and went to run, well shimmer to the one toilet on there. There wouldnt be a problem as I always carry toilet paper in my keks as I have previous.
Go to dive in and OUT OF SERVICE sign. Pure fear.
Doors were closing on the train, beep, beep bastard beeeeeep. Chuck my hands in the doors and they open due to the safety feature.
See a bridge that is tucked behind view of my platform, jump over a little mettle fence, pants off so no back splash, just in my trainers and socks.
During explosion I look to my right and there are about 5 people looking at me. Pure embarrassment, yet relief, and my consolation was i would never see these people again
Went to get the shit roll from my jean pocket, and remember I used it at the last pub due to no roll being there.
Had to take my socks off and clean to the best of my ability, with 2 socks and 5 people watching me.
Got home, jumped in the shower, change of cloaths and straight back out
Everton away, must have been about 15 or more years ago.
Had a heavy Friday sesh and it was an early Saturday kick off. Started on the piss around 9am. Lasted the game without any issues
Had a couple in a pub after then went to head back. Was waiting for the train and got the dreaded bubble feeling. 2 minutes until the train came, and I thought "just make the train, and you will be fine"
Train came, and went to run, well shimmer to the one toilet on there. There wouldnt be a problem as I always carry toilet paper in my keks as I have previous.
Go to dive in and OUT OF SERVICE sign. Pure fear.
Doors were closing on the train, beep, beep bastard beeeeeep. Chuck my hands in the doors and they open due to the safety feature.
See a bridge that is tucked behind view of my platform, jump over a little mettle fence, pants off so no back splash, just in my trainers and socks.
During explosion I look to my right and there are about 5 people looking at me. Pure embarrassment, yet relief, and my consolation was i would never see these people again
Went to get the shit roll from my jean pocket, and remember I used it at the last pub due to no roll being there.
Had to take my socks off and clean to the best of my ability, with 2 socks and 5 people watching me.
Got home, jumped in the shower, change of cloaths and straight back out
Metalflake
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Off topic, but there was a lad at school who only had one bollock drop. As this was the height of Womble mania, everywhere he went people sang 'remember you're a one ball'.
He had to have an operation in the end.
P.S. He was called 'Benny' for the rest of his time at school, after Benny the Ball from Top Cat.
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Serbian AIDS Paste
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Belting thread! Did it really originally start in 2008?
Alistair Flair
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Tommytwoshoes
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On a stag do to Amsterdam about 20 yrs ago. I'd taken all sorts, anything that was put in front of me. Don't remember where I'd been or how I got back. Knock on the door in the morning. It woke me and I opened up to let 2 mates in. Soon as they came in, they were "What the fuck is that smell", one of them retching. The retching one went for the bathroom. "Oh my fucking God" More retching. "No, no, jesus no". I thought there was a dismembered brass in the bath.
I got up and went to see. Shit on all the walls, the floor. Spread about like a couple of mud wrestlers had been in there. Course I immediately called out the lad I was sharing the room with as being a dirty fucking bastard. By this time the non retching mate had spotted my jeans. At that point, even OJ Simpson's lawyer wasn't getting me off this one. Lumps still in the creases, inside and outside. Boxers still inside the jeans, equally devastated by the nights events. Someone pulled the quilt back fully. Whatever I'd been unable to smear off into my jeans and the bathroom, was there, mostly now woven into the nylon sheets. It was a fucking disgrace if Im honest. Imagine the cleaner facing that? So anyway, yes, based on the overwhelming evidence, I think I may have shit myself
I got up and went to see. Shit on all the walls, the floor. Spread about like a couple of mud wrestlers had been in there. Course I immediately called out the lad I was sharing the room with as being a dirty fucking bastard. By this time the non retching mate had spotted my jeans. At that point, even OJ Simpson's lawyer wasn't getting me off this one. Lumps still in the creases, inside and outside. Boxers still inside the jeans, equally devastated by the nights events. Someone pulled the quilt back fully. Whatever I'd been unable to smear off into my jeans and the bathroom, was there, mostly now woven into the nylon sheets. It was a fucking disgrace if Im honest. Imagine the cleaner facing that? So anyway, yes, based on the overwhelming evidence, I think I may have shit myself
and Solskjaer has won it
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Must have been about 7 or 8 I reckon so that’s my excuse
I was round a girls house, playing Drs and Nurses (that’s another story!) and I needed a shit. I was too embarrassed to go at hers so I made my excuses and left. On the way home I couldn’t hold it in any more and shat myself. I remember it coming out of my shorts so when I arrived home I quickly went into the garage to find something to wipe it with. Only thing I could find was a Superman slipper so I used that to scrape off the seepage and launched it to the back of the garage. I went inside where my mum was having a brew with a neighbour in the front room. Knowing that I still had shit down the back of my legs I shuffled against the wall past them, leaving a skid along the wallpaper as I did so. Funny thing is I never know what happened to that slipper. We had the garage converted to a room years later. I can only assume the shit solidified and no one was the wiser. To this day my Mum takes the piss and calls me Superman.
I was round a girls house, playing Drs and Nurses (that’s another story!) and I needed a shit. I was too embarrassed to go at hers so I made my excuses and left. On the way home I couldn’t hold it in any more and shat myself. I remember it coming out of my shorts so when I arrived home I quickly went into the garage to find something to wipe it with. Only thing I could find was a Superman slipper so I used that to scrape off the seepage and launched it to the back of the garage. I went inside where my mum was having a brew with a neighbour in the front room. Knowing that I still had shit down the back of my legs I shuffled against the wall past them, leaving a skid along the wallpaper as I did so. Funny thing is I never know what happened to that slipper. We had the garage converted to a room years later. I can only assume the shit solidified and no one was the wiser. To this day my Mum takes the piss and calls me Superman.
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Give a dog a bone
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A few years ago I went to the bookies in a pair of lemon shorts, red hot summers day. I spent about an hour I there watching the racing etc. Anyway gets home and the Mrs says you've not been out in them have you. I had a brown spot the size of the tip of your finger where I'd obviously been giving it a good scratch,a bit like what the buddahs have on their heads. I can imagine all the blokes behind me pointing at it and whispering have you seen this dirty cunt.
Spider-Man
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Used to play for Watford as a kid and for training we used to run up the terraces. On this particular occasion we had to race up with someone on our back. Half way up I exploded safe to say I didn’t live it down for quite a while.
safe to say I didn’t live it down for quite a while.
bred
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Buddahs, FFS not heard that in forty years.
I am sixty.
Metalflake
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A vote should be taken for the best post, and a prize awarded.
William Shatner to do the presentation.
William Shatner to do the presentation.
i-8-kopites
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Some one will come along and pooh pooh that idea
Metalflake
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An audit of toilet cisterns would reveal a pair of shitty underpants rammed behind virtually every one
Space1999
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Was on a night out with a few parents from the school our kids had recently joined. We had started to find some common ground with a few couples, you know, boozing, not too arsed about making a twat out of yourself, last orders coming too soon. Good old craic I suppose.
Anyway on this particular occasion we might have had something to eat, plenty of booze during and after. Back to theirs for wine because the babysitter was finishing up. We’d known the couple socially for a month or so I would say. I think me and the fella leathered a few bottles red between us and blasted through a few ciggies for good measure.
I remember being outside in conversation having a fag when my stomach started churning. Being polite and a guest I didn’t want to break away abruptly so tried to keep engaged while maintaining bowel .discipline. Smoke finished, back in the front door, fortunately the downstairs loo was just inside. So, just said I’m popping to the loo, said fella went into kitchen to crack open another bottle and join the ladies. Even though I was putting on a brace face I knew in the back of my mind there might be trouble. But it was unthinkable, this was like new friends, new school, new fucking area we had moved to. Kids were settling into their new school. Surely not.
Anyway toilet was free so straight in, now it was just a case of getting the kecks down in time. I thought to myself, if that toilet would have been occupied I would have shat my pants there and then. In fact my mind was racing with all types of scenarios at the time, lubricated no doubt by the streams of sweat pouring down my forehead. There was an Angel Devil argument raging in my consciousness, you are going to make it calm down and relax, you fucking idiot how could you do this at somebody’s house you barely know, relax you are in the best place just get them kecks off, quick like fucking quick. But the legs started buckling. Then it hits you the point of no return. You have been holding this fucker in with every muscle, trying to shelve it with your pelvis but in the end you have asked too much of your body. So I think it was something as insignificant as the button on my jeans not opening first time. Or maybe I had a belt on. Or something that meant I couldn’t get me kecks off in a split second. First batch I thought might be able to salvage it and went to adopt a more careful approach to getting pants off. However, and as is often the case that first shit is only the prelude and low and behold my arse dropped out. Waves and waves of steaming hot shit poured out, like someone had tipped a pan of scouse down my back. The evening meal, curdled by wine, beer and spirits. I was fucked, how the fuck do I approach this? I couldn’t walk into the kitchen like John Wayne stinking like a baby’s nappy. Couldn’t really text Mrs to say let’s get a taxi. So you got to rely on your instincts here and that said to me get the fuck out of here. So I left without saying a word.
Walked home in the end, it had been a warm summers evening but that shit was starting to cool down now and it was a terrible stroll really. About a mile, uphill for a lot of it. Biggest fear was a neighbour spotting me and either deciding to walk with me or offering me a lift in the taxi. Clearly the shit could be seen through my jeans, I even thought about bumping into a gang of lads who would have had the piss then given me a kicking for good measure. Anyway as it happens I got home without seeing anyone. Got the clothes in the wash then showed and actually managed to get away with it. Next time I saw them explained that I had been sick and that was that.
Anyway on this particular occasion we might have had something to eat, plenty of booze during and after. Back to theirs for wine because the babysitter was finishing up. We’d known the couple socially for a month or so I would say. I think me and the fella leathered a few bottles red between us and blasted through a few ciggies for good measure.
I remember being outside in conversation having a fag when my stomach started churning. Being polite and a guest I didn’t want to break away abruptly so tried to keep engaged while maintaining bowel .discipline. Smoke finished, back in the front door, fortunately the downstairs loo was just inside. So, just said I’m popping to the loo, said fella went into kitchen to crack open another bottle and join the ladies. Even though I was putting on a brace face I knew in the back of my mind there might be trouble. But it was unthinkable, this was like new friends, new school, new fucking area we had moved to. Kids were settling into their new school. Surely not.
Anyway toilet was free so straight in, now it was just a case of getting the kecks down in time. I thought to myself, if that toilet would have been occupied I would have shat my pants there and then. In fact my mind was racing with all types of scenarios at the time, lubricated no doubt by the streams of sweat pouring down my forehead. There was an Angel Devil argument raging in my consciousness, you are going to make it calm down and relax, you fucking idiot how could you do this at somebody’s house you barely know, relax you are in the best place just get them kecks off, quick like fucking quick. But the legs started buckling. Then it hits you the point of no return. You have been holding this fucker in with every muscle, trying to shelve it with your pelvis but in the end you have asked too much of your body. So I think it was something as insignificant as the button on my jeans not opening first time. Or maybe I had a belt on. Or something that meant I couldn’t get me kecks off in a split second. First batch I thought might be able to salvage it and went to adopt a more careful approach to getting pants off. However, and as is often the case that first shit is only the prelude and low and behold my arse dropped out. Waves and waves of steaming hot shit poured out, like someone had tipped a pan of scouse down my back. The evening meal, curdled by wine, beer and spirits. I was fucked, how the fuck do I approach this? I couldn’t walk into the kitchen like John Wayne stinking like a baby’s nappy. Couldn’t really text Mrs to say let’s get a taxi. So you got to rely on your instincts here and that said to me get the fuck out of here. So I left without saying a word.
Walked home in the end, it had been a warm summers evening but that shit was starting to cool down now and it was a terrible stroll really. About a mile, uphill for a lot of it. Biggest fear was a neighbour spotting me and either deciding to walk with me or offering me a lift in the taxi. Clearly the shit could be seen through my jeans, I even thought about bumping into a gang of lads who would have had the piss then given me a kicking for good measure. Anyway as it happens I got home without seeing anyone. Got the clothes in the wash then showed and actually managed to get away with it. Next time I saw them explained that I had been sick and that was that.
PCP
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Shat myself yesterday
Actually shit in my shorts.
Went for a run with the wife on my last day of holiday and about 300 metres in I farted and followed though. Had to waddle back to the villa to finish it and have a shower.
She got back about 20 minutes later still laughing.
Must have been an accumulation of beers and the previous night's Thi Green Curry.
Anyone else shat themselves as an adult? There must be some fantastic stories out there.
Actually shit in my shorts.
Went for a run with the wife on my last day of holiday and about 300 metres in I farted and followed though. Had to waddle back to the villa to finish it and have a shower.
She got back about 20 minutes later still laughing.
Must have been an accumulation of beers and the previous night's Thi Green Curry.
Anyone else shat themselves as an adult? There must be some fantastic stories out there.
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