KEANOS FIST
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CLASSIC: Have to dig up a dead cat's grave tonight.
- Thread starter Red Desire
- Start date
1) Make sure no one is home; Lights off, cars gone, no sound
2) Get into the back garden; Look for distressed grass like a relayed pitched you can see where the earth has been broken.
3) Get Digging; I advise a mask and gloves as rotting cat flesh isn't the nicest thing you'll see on a friday night.
4) Return home with the corpse; Show your son scar him mentally for a few years, let your wife have a gander so she can fulfill her fetish and generally admire your good work.
5) Second burial; Hire a vicar, an organ player, light some candles invite extended family and dress them all in black, don't invite the neighbours though.
Barry Shitpeas
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get the cat, put it in your wifes pillow case then bum rape her and push her face into the pillow.
Barry Shitpeas
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or alternatively, strategically move the fence panels so that the bit of her garden with the dead cat in it is on your side of the fence.
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RedDevilMikee
Guest
Just dig a fucking hole in your garden then fill it in you jesse.
She's hardly going to dig up the grave just to see if poor old Tiddles is under there is she?
Jees...
She's hardly going to dig up the grave just to see if poor old Tiddles is under there is she?
Jees...
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Getting into the back garden isnt going to be easy. It backs onto ours at an angle, basically there are two houses that back onto ours.
The borders are fenced and full of huge conifers and various shrubbery, so there will be a lot of rustling. And I fucking guarantee that she will have one of those intruder lights in the back garden so I have to avoid that.
And if I do get in that way, I wont be able to get out that way so I a mgoing to have to look for an escape route before I have dug Sam up.
The borders are fenced and full of huge conifers and various shrubbery, so there will be a lot of rustling. And I fucking guarantee that she will have one of those intruder lights in the back garden so I have to avoid that.
And if I do get in that way, I wont be able to get out that way so I a mgoing to have to look for an escape route before I have dug Sam up.
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She wants a burial mate, she wants us all to stand over and think of the cat and then the little lad to place a cross as the headstone.
She will want to see him lowered into the grave I think. in a box obviously.
gspaddock
Senior Member
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Why has your neighbour got 2 or 3 other cats buried in her garden? Did they, like your cat, belong to other people? Did they all die mysteriously as well? Did their collars just happen to fall off too? Call me suspicious but...
Its quite simple. explain to your missus that your gonna do it in the dead of night so that no one can see you.
dig a fake grave in your back garden and then fill it again so it looks fresh.
return to bed and whisper to the missus thats its all sorted. she will see the grave in the morning and think its the real thing. she wont dig it up again in case she breaks a nail!
This is of course the cowards way out!
I would stomp round there and say eh bitch I want my cat if she refuses you must take drastic action! dig your cat up and the rest of them. obviously bury your cat in your garden.
Cut the other pussys open down the mid riff and pull out the pussy intestines and then hang said cats from her washing line by their tales!
That should teach the dead cat stealing bitch!
dig a fake grave in your back garden and then fill it again so it looks fresh.
return to bed and whisper to the missus thats its all sorted. she will see the grave in the morning and think its the real thing. she wont dig it up again in case she breaks a nail!
This is of course the cowards way out!
I would stomp round there and say eh bitch I want my cat if she refuses you must take drastic action! dig your cat up and the rest of them. obviously bury your cat in your garden.
Cut the other pussys open down the mid riff and pull out the pussy intestines and then hang said cats from her washing line by their tales!
That should teach the dead cat stealing bitch!
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Good point! But she just considers herself a cat lover - she has 3 of her own living.
My wife has just text and is going round now with some flowers you know to say thanks for burying him but can you give us permission to dig him up. A bit of a sweetner may change her mind.
B
billydenero1951
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rioja
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I'm a bit lost - the neighbour won't let you dig it up? seems odd for a fellow cat lover..
if you don't want to dig the cat up- get the neighbour to suddenly "remember" a detail /marking on the cat that would mean its certainly not yours - thus no reason to dig it up ie 3 legs / odd paws/ different coloured eyes
a nice bottle of wine taken round could do wonders for her memory. Though ultimately she will blackmail you about this secret , dress you up as a big tomcat every other week and spank you with pilchards
if you don't want to dig the cat up- get the neighbour to suddenly "remember" a detail /marking on the cat that would mean its certainly not yours - thus no reason to dig it up ie 3 legs / odd paws/ different coloured eyes
a nice bottle of wine taken round could do wonders for her memory. Though ultimately she will blackmail you about this secret , dress you up as a big tomcat every other week and spank you with pilchards
N
NW3427
Guest
i think you may have a problem if you are caught.
just go round and demand the cat back!!
they can't say no!
i think it is a lot worse to be found in the garden dressed in black with a torch and spade in tow!
if she says no - kidnap one of her cats .. infact maybe just bury one of her cats!
stupid bitch! i would fucking demand him back!
just go round and demand the cat back!!
they can't say no!
i think it is a lot worse to be found in the garden dressed in black with a torch and spade in tow!
if she says no - kidnap one of her cats .. infact maybe just bury one of her cats!
stupid bitch! i would fucking demand him back!
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I thought that mate - but she doesnt think it should be dug up again once it lies in peace.
And as for the identification - that horse has already bolted Rioja. She asked my wife if Sam had any marks and he had a little birthmark on his lip - she confirmed it.
and Solskjaer has won it
Tramp
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May I then also suggest watching not only the aforementioned "Goodfellas" and "Pet Cemetary" but also "Escape to Victory" and the "Great Escape"
gspaddock
Senior Member
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Lies in peace? In pieces more like. Cat lover my arse - fucking cat killer.
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NW3427
Guest
May I then also suggest watching not only the aforementioned "Goodfellas" and "Pet Cemetary" but also "Escape to Victory" and the "Great Escape"
rioja
Senior Member
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Damn- bloody women: always one step ahead of us...
I'd leave it for the women to sort between them - as the neighbour clearly likes burying cats, maybe she'll jump at the chance of exhuming Sam and re-burying him round yours - you could buy her a new spade or something
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This goes from bad to worse.
Ive just spoken to the wife after she had made her peace visit but the cat lady isn't having any of it (she liked the flowers though) and believes it to be "just not right" that we redig Sam up. My wife tried pleading with her but got nowhere.
Before she started with her pleading, she obviouslty had a bit of idle chat, you know what do you do for a living, got kids etc. and she found out that catladys husband is an insomniac and very rarely sleeps at night, idling away the early hours watching tv or (and get this) pottering about in the shed in the garden!!
Makes his own beer, a lovely little drop by all accounts, and I will get to find out as she gave my wife a couple of bottles to try!
So - it just makes me foray that much more difficult if I have to contend with a pissed up insomniac.
One good thing that came out of the visit was that my wife clocked that the gate to the garden doesnt have a lock so can be easily opened. That's my way out, and I also know where the body is buried - just under a rose bush at the side of the garden, opposite the shed.
Do sheds have windows?
Ive just spoken to the wife after she had made her peace visit but the cat lady isn't having any of it (she liked the flowers though) and believes it to be "just not right" that we redig Sam up. My wife tried pleading with her but got nowhere.
Before she started with her pleading, she obviouslty had a bit of idle chat, you know what do you do for a living, got kids etc. and she found out that catladys husband is an insomniac and very rarely sleeps at night, idling away the early hours watching tv or (and get this) pottering about in the shed in the garden!!
Makes his own beer, a lovely little drop by all accounts, and I will get to find out as she gave my wife a couple of bottles to try!
So - it just makes me foray that much more difficult if I have to contend with a pissed up insomniac.
One good thing that came out of the visit was that my wife clocked that the gate to the garden doesnt have a lock so can be easily opened. That's my way out, and I also know where the body is buried - just under a rose bush at the side of the garden, opposite the shed.
Do sheds have windows?
gspaddock
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There we have it. I knew someone was the cat killer. Fella never sleeps - tells his wife he's 'in the shed'. Hey presto, every morning - 'found another dead cat in the garden last night love, just came out of the shed and there it was, lying there. No collar or nothing. Shall we bury it next to the others?'
B
billydenero1951
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I hope you're not claustrophobic, its obviously a tunnel job
Atom Age Vampire
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if the lady is a cat-lover , surely she'd understand your request for a 'home' burial ?
on a side-note , many moons ago , a cat of mine went missing
she was found dead in the garden of (unbeknownst to me) the local cat killer.....(gardening enthusiast)............this cunts method was to put them in a wheelie bin half-full of water and let them get exhausted and drown
believe me when i say it took a lot of persuading for me not to go round his house and pour lighter-fluid through his letterbox.
i had to content myself with throwing a large tin of gloss paint (lid loosened) through his living room window........and sodium chlorate all over his precious plot (which still today looks like the Badlands).
he died of a brain hemmorage a couple of years later
gotta love Karma
on a side-note , many moons ago , a cat of mine went missing
she was found dead in the garden of (unbeknownst to me) the local cat killer.....(gardening enthusiast)............this cunts method was to put them in a wheelie bin half-full of water and let them get exhausted and drown
believe me when i say it took a lot of persuading for me not to go round his house and pour lighter-fluid through his letterbox.
i had to content myself with throwing a large tin of gloss paint (lid loosened) through his living room window........and sodium chlorate all over his precious plot (which still today looks like the Badlands).
he died of a brain hemmorage a couple of years later
gotta love Karma
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AAV - I think that is quite a reserved course of action you took - I would burn the fucking house down if I fiind out that he was deliberately killed.
But, I dont for one second think that about my neighbours - the fact they buried Sam shows they are decent people.
My mate has just told me that I need to wear carrier bags on my feet as not to leave footprints of my boots.
But, I dont for one second think that about my neighbours - the fact they buried Sam shows they are decent people.
My mate has just told me that I need to wear carrier bags on my feet as not to leave footprints of my boots.
Oscardog68
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Is that you JohnM20 ??
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billydenero1951
Guest
P
platty14
Guest
I can't wait to watch you on hidden security camera on Granada Tonight on Monday night :
:
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NW3427
Guest
if the lady is a cat-lover , surely she'd understand your request for a 'home' burial ?
on a side-note , many moons ago , a cat of mine went missing
she was found dead in the garden of (unbeknownst to me) the local cat killer.....(gardening enthusiast)............this cunts method was to put them in a wheelie bin half-full of water and let them get exhausted and drown
believe me when i say it took a lot of persuading for me not to go round his house and pour lighter-fluid through his letterbox.
i had to content myself with throwing a large tin of gloss paint (lid loosened) through his living room window........and sodium chlorate all over his precious plot (which still today looks like the Badlands).
he died of a brain hemmorage a couple of years later
gotta love Karma
N
NW3427
Guest
go round tonight after tea and kick up a massive fuss.
tell them you want your fucking cat back NOW! and you ain't fucking leaving until they have let you unbury it.
if this doesnt work - tell them if there cat goes missing, it will be burried in your garden, and no they can't have the fucker back.
then drop ya trousers, bid them good day and walk off down their garden path!
CUNTS!
tell them you want your fucking cat back NOW! and you ain't fucking leaving until they have let you unbury it.
if this doesnt work - tell them if there cat goes missing, it will be burried in your garden, and no they can't have the fucker back.
then drop ya trousers, bid them good day and walk off down their garden path!
CUNTS!
R
Revolter
Guest
Personally if it were me, I'd tell her to get fucked.
A
Armo
Guest
Can I just ask if the wife wants the cat buried in the garden due to it being the cats turf, his stomping ground and it will forever be that way. Or because she just wants it in your garden/with the family?
Reason being, if you move house in a couple of months/years you had better get Time Team round to move him to your new abode...
Besides all that does it really matter? I mean what are people going to do next bury their relatives etc down the bottom of the garden?
Reason being, if you move house in a couple of months/years you had better get Time Team round to move him to your new abode...
Besides all that does it really matter? I mean what are people going to do next bury their relatives etc down the bottom of the garden?
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Don't use the ones from LIDL, they might not be big enough
Got ASDA ones Billy, we dont shop at LIDL.
Just got a load of elastic bands from work to o make sure they stayed tied to my feet.
Getting pretty nervous actually - Ive tried talking the wife to forget it and let him stay but she said she doesnt want him lying with a load of other cats - she wants him to rest in peace!
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NW3427
Guest
i think it is more of a matter of principal!
if my cat died and some fucker buried it in their garden and said you can't have it back, i would be more than pissed off!
it ain't fucking cricket!
B
billydenero1951
Guest
That's my way out, and I also know where the body is buried - just under a rose bush at the side of the garden, opposite the shed.
Did somebody let the cat out of the bag then?
Did somebody let the cat out of the bag then?
rioja
Senior Member
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But there is the phrase " bury the evidence"
it does seem odd that a cat lover is so reluctant to see Sam laid to rest in his own garden.
It's like they have something to hide/ a secret
I'd grow an outrageous Poirot moustache then level this accusation at them.
They have a simple choice: re-bury the cat in your garden OR you shall contact the local authorities, namely the constabulary and the RSPCA: they messed with the wrong cat
If you have been given some of his beer- do not drink it. It's obviously drugged and before you know it , you' ll be buried behind their shed.
They will then bury your house to cover their trail completely
A
Armo
Guest
No your right it's getting more boring than cricket...
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NW3427
Guest
AGREED!
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No - I dont really want to get into an argument with them. We have asked twice and they have refused and took flowers from us for doing so!
I have to do it, Im going to recce the back garden when I get home.