• Paying members only

    Can now disable the avatars on the home page and forum pages. Go and click on your name (top right) ---> Preferences ---> Disable Avatars

CLASSIC: Ive gone and got myself into a bit of trouble

Collect all the cut hair for the week and put it in a carrier bag. You then take a bottle of water with you to the bus stop, along with the bag of hair.

Throw the water in his face, then when he looks shocked, throw the hair at him...That might wind him up more, but he'll look like a bigfoot :o
 
Fuckin class, absolute brillaince!!

10/10

:D :D :D :D
 
Alright lads
I'm touched by all the support, I couldn't of got through all this without you all (even the cunts among you)
I got myself some weight gain this morning but I'm not too impressed with it to be honest, firstly it tastes shite and a bit gritty and secondly it was dear as fuck and I've not put any weight on yet.
Some good news though, Jason the stylist from work saw me drinking it and asked if I worked out, I explained what had gone on and that I was planning on joining the gym, Jason said I could go to the gym with him if I wanted as he goes every other night after work, judging by Jason's physique he definatly know his way around the gym, he says he'll introduce me to all the lads which is nice.

He asked me if I liked football as he and his mates are going to City's next game, I said I support United so wouldn't be joining them, apparantly most of them aren't that intrested in football but started going after picking up a flyer at a club they go to.

Says it all really doesn't it THIS IS OUR CITY my arse
 
I think Jason's a homosexual :confused:
 
Bollocks said:
Id like to thank everyone who has given me support over the last couple of days, as you can imagine its been very stressful for me but ive managed to get over the worst of it and hopefully the lad from college will leave me alone thinking its all over.

Ive had my brother over his shitty idea of putting mustard in the piss but he maintains that mustard mixed with piss has an ammonia content that should temporarily blind someone, he reckons that the chemicals i use on my hair must of offset the chemical make up of the mustard spray, oh well you live and learn.

Ive decided that i should start doing some weights and maybe join the gym that way i might get a bit of beef on me and be less susceptible to being bullied, at the minute im stuck with my mams aerobic dumbbells and my dads old chest expander, im going to get some weight gain from Argos tomorrow on my way to the salon
Click to expand...

Genius. Absolute genius. Vintage stuff. :D :D :D
 
M46Red said:
I think Jason's a homosexual :confused:
Click to expand...

No is he fuck all the birds love him, he's built like a brick shithouse too

I'd like to see someone try bumming him, he'd rip their heads off
 
Bollocks said:
No is he fuck all the birds love him, he's built like a brick shithouse too

I'd like to see someone try bumming him, he'd rip their heads off
Click to expand...

sounds like you've already tried
 
Bollocks said:
No is he fuck all the birds love him, he's built like a brick shithouse too

I'd like to see someone try bumming him, he'd rip their heads off
Click to expand...

He probably wants to bum you. I'd start looking for a new job
 
Bollocks said:
Alright lads
I'm touched by all the support, I couldn't of got through all this without you all (even the cunts among you)
I got myself some weight gain this morning but I'm not too impressed with it to be honest, firstly it tastes shite and a bit gritty and secondly it was dear as fuck and I've not put any weight on yet.
Some good news though, Jason the stylist from work saw me drinking it and asked if I worked out, I explained what had gone on and that I was planning on joining the gym, Jason said I could go to the gym with him if I wanted as he goes every other night after work, judging by Jason's physique he definatly know his way around the gym, he says he'll introduce me to all the lads which is nice.

He asked me if I liked football as he and his mates are going to City's next game, I said I support United so wouldn't be joining them, apparantly most of them aren't that intrested in football but started going after picking up a flyer at a club they go to.

Says it all really doesn't it THIS IS OUR CITY my arse
Click to expand...

legend mate
 
Sheer Utter brillanace

Give this man a Tv show
 
Jason sounds a nice chap
ask him whether he'll be sat on the bell end this weekend
 
I wonder how Bollocks got on at the gym, hopefully Jason and his mates went easy on him:(
 
Bollocks, I recommend you going into this like a warrior. First, don't wash your bollocks for a solid fortnight, and then wipe your hands round them and smear the slimy schmegma all around your boat-race and earholes, neck, etc, in order to give off a very masculine aroma - it's the pheromones that frightens them off, you see. Then, wear very tight pants that accentuate the shape of your genitals when standing at the bus-stop. This will cause other queue-ers to become your subordinates, like dags in a pack being submissive to their alpha-male, when they cop for the stench of your unwashed sack-head and neck, and the sight of your tackle bulging at the bus-stop. By the time Master Chef arrives, you'll be surrounded by adoring sycophants, all licking and pulling at your person at various locations, and he'll think you're some kind of Godfather. That's when you hit him with the secret weapon. Yes, that funny spray stuff that barbers lob on yer neck when they've finished savaging it and it goes all cold and final. Douse him with neck-finaliser, and tell him, "alright mate, that'll be thirteen quid, please!" before sinking your teeth into his nose and ripping it clean off his chef face. Make sure you swallow it and wash it down with something sensible, like water or Tennent's Super. Then, while he's stumbling about the bus-stop, with blood gushing from his kite like a car-crash case, produce a well-rolled scroll from your pocket and deliver an al-Qaida style rendition of some spiritual or religious poem. Make him know you mean it, and when the bus comes, drop yer trolleys and shit in his face, wipe yer arse on his throat and jump aboard. You'll thank me once the deed is done, son, believe me.
 
Bollocks said:
Alright lads
I'm touched by all the support, I couldn't of got through all this without you all (even the cunts among you)
I got myself some weight gain this morning but I'm not too impressed with it to be honest, firstly it tastes shite and a bit gritty and secondly it was dear as fuck and I've not put any weight on yet.
Some good news though, Jason the stylist from work saw me drinking it and asked if I worked out, I explained what had gone on and that I was planning on joining the gym, Jason said I could go to the gym with him if I wanted as he goes every other night after work, judging by Jason's physique he definatly know his way around the gym, he says he'll introduce me to all the lads which is nice.

He asked me if I liked football as he and his mates are going to City's next game, I said I support United so wouldn't be joining them, apparantly most of them aren't that intrested in football but started going after picking up a flyer at a club they go to.

Says it all really doesn't it THIS IS OUR CITY my arse
Click to expand...

Top class WUMmery.:D :D :D
 
Ground control to Bollocks. Come in Bollocks. Come in Bollocks...
 
OK Fight Fans....

























LETS GET READY TO RUUUUUMMMMBLE!
 
Hello

This isn't Brendan (Bollocks) its his brother.
Its bad news im afraid lads, my brother is in hospital and he's in a bad way
He tried hanging himself on Friday night once he had got back from the gym, im not sure what happened at the gym as Brendan refuses to speak about it but i told him not to go out with that Jason and his mates, there City fans ffs.

I feel pretty bad about the whole thing to be honest, he was in a bad mood with me over the mustard in the piss business, he should be glad the fucking thing didn't blind him, there's no pleasing some people.

Anyway the good news is the doctors say hes stable and should make a full recovery, luckily instead of using a rope like a normal suicide'ee he used my dads old chest expander, instead of breaking his neck when he jumped off the chair he just bounced about for a bit and banged his head on the ceiling causing a nasty gash, hes not actually in hospital due to the suicide attempt though its due to the Barrymore'esque "horrific anal injurys" which he got when he fell over at the gym.

He left this note on his desk for everyone at Redissue

Alright lads
Thanks again for all your help over the last couple of day
Ive decided my time on this earth is done, i cant live with the shame i have brought down on my family.
i will see you all in the great red forum in the sky


Mama, take these scissors off of me
I can't use them anymore.
It's gettin' dark, too dark for me to see
I feel like I'm knockin' on heaven's door.

Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door

Mama, put my Babyliss Pro Curl Press in the ground
I can't curl hair anymore.
That long black cloud is comin' down
I feel like I'm knockin' on heaven's door.

Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door
Knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door
Click to expand...
 
Fan fucking tastic !!!
 
Fucking Superb

Me and my whole family rolling about crying here mate, absolute class thread :D :D :D
 
Bollocks said:
Hello

This isn't Brendan (Bollocks) its his brother.
Its bad news im afraid lads, my brother is in hospital and he's in a bad way
He tried hanging himself on Friday night once he had got back from the gym, im not sure what happened at the gym as Brendan refuses to speak about it but i told him not to go out with that Jason and his mates, there City fans ffs.

I feel pretty bad about the whole thing to be honest, he was in a bad mood with me over the mustard in the piss business, he should be glad the fucking thing didn't blind him, there's no pleasing some people.

Anyway the good news is the doctors say hes stable and should make a full recovery, luckily instead of using a rope like a normal suicide'ee he used my dads old chest expander, instead of breaking his neck when he jumped off the chair he just bounced about for a bit and banged his head on the ceiling causing a nasty gash, hes not actually in hospital due to the suicide attempt though its due to the Barrymore'esque "horrific anal injurys" which he got when he fell over at the gym.

He left this note on his desk for everyone at Redissue
Click to expand...

fucking lege!!
 
Bollocks, you are a true comedy genius. I thank you! :D :D
 
This should be printed in a Red Issue special.
Absolutely fantastic, I can see him bouncing up and down on his dads old chest expanders, smashing his fuckin head in on the ceiling. :D:D:D
 
fucking gutted..

...it's taken me so long to click on this thread, absolute quality.
 
There's a fucking battle on between this and the Babestation thread for funniest thread of 2006 !

Fucking INCREDIBLE! :D :D :D :D
 
Is the babestaion thread still about
 
Try shadowboxing around him.
 
luckily instead of using a rope like a normal suicide'ee he used my dads old chest expander, instead of breaking his neck when he jumped off the chair he just bounced about for a bit and banged his head on the ceiling causing a nasty gash.
Click to expand...

Got my mind off the result, it did. The whole thing got better and better, can't wait until bollocks returns from hospital. :D :D :D
 
Utter genius ! put a smile on my face after that shit today. :)
 
Sweet jesus.

Hands down one of the funniest things I've ever read on red issue. Thread of the year.
 
Get well soon Bollocks.
That last post by your brother :rolleyes: was the best so far. iuve just spat my tea all over the keyboard :D :D
 
Bollocks...

..a work of genius, I thank you
 
Wonder how old bolllocks is keeping
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top